We all enjoy watching things grow. There may be a wall or door in your house with marks and names and numbers by the marks. They are snapshots of your children, or yourself, at different ages. At some point in school, you probably brought home a Styrofoam cup with a seed buried in some dirt. There was the excitement of watching a tiny leaf emerge from the dirt and grow into a plant.

One of the myths of marriage is that good marriages have little or no conflict, that couples is good relationships do not fight or argue. Marriages involve two very different people, which means two very different ways of looking at and acting in the world.

Developing a mindful relationship is more than just saying to yourself “I need to pay more attention.” There are some mindfulness practices that you and your partner can do together. These practices help you learn to be more present with one another and deepen the bond between you.

You hear it all the time: “Well, you just need to be more assertive.” There are even classes you can take that are called assertiveness training. Assertiveness is an important skill to have in close relationships like marriage. A crucial part of communicating effectively and meaningfully with your partner is learning to assert yourself.If you struggle with being assertive, you may confuse being assertive with being aggressive.

One of the myths of relationships is that a good relationship involves little or no conflict. In fact, all couples have conflicts. Every couple is made up of two unique people, with differences in worldviews and life experiences. Each person has their own way of dealing with the thoughts, feelings, and happenings of life.

In an earlier post I reflected on the place of values in relationships. Values are important because they capture how you want to be in the world. Values invite you to think about what matters most and what you want to stand for. Values also invite you to consider how you want to interact with others, how you want to be in relationships.

Close relationships like marriage offer the chance to experience some amazing connections between two people. However, that same closeness can also be the source of conflict that can force couples apart and create a great deal of emotional pain for each person. But it’s not just the issue that creates the conflict; it is how each person responds to the issue that is the source of the hurt.

In the 1998 movie, Sliding Doors, Gwyneth Paltrow plays a young Englishwoman living in London who has just been fired from her public relations job. The plot of the movie splits into two parallel universes, based on the two paths her life could take depending on whether she catches a London Underground train or not. The two paths are vastly different.

The couple sitting before me was clearly distressed.  I had been working with them for several sessions, and they had done some good work on their relationship, so they were able to tell me the story of their struggle.  The husband reported that he came in from work; his wife was already home sitting at the kitchen table. He said that he walked by her own the way to the bedroom and greeted her; she said nothing. 

Several years ago, I was finishing my work with a couple. They had done some amazing work to strengthen their relationship beyond the problems that brought them to me. In their final session with me, I asked if there was anything in particular that they found helpful. They had a very specific answer; it was a question I asked them in our very first session together. I invited them to share it with me, so I could be sure and ask it in the future, and all three of us laughed. This was the question. I asked each of them: How do you want to be in this relationship…apart from how the other person wants to be?