Closeness Can Bring Conflict
Close relationships like marriage offer the chance to experience some amazing connections between two people. However, that same closeness can also be the source of conflict that can force couples apart and a great deal of emotional pain for each person. But it’s not just the issue that creates the conflict; it is how each person responds to the issue that is the source of the hurt.
All of us bring interpersonal patterns of relating into a relationship. These patterns are more than behaviors; they are based on beliefs and responses that people have learned over the years. These deeply seated beliefs often go unnoticed, so much so that you don’t realize they are the real source of conflict. When one of these patterns gets triggered in an interaction with your partner, you react in ways that make you become defensive and take away your ability to communicate clearly and work through the conflict.
Recognizing the Patterns
Because they are so deeply held and often unnoticed, it really is not possible from keeping these patterns from being triggered. The goal of couples counseling is to heighten awareness of these patterns and change how you respond to them. All of us have these core beliefs about ourselves that get triggered by threats, conflicts, or unmet needs. When these beliefs get activated, it is easy for you to express pain-avoidance strategies that do not help you or interactions with your partner.
There are a variety of these core beliefs, and it is important to learn more about them. For example, you may have a core belief based on abandonment, where you sense that others are too unreliable to be there for you. For some, they expect to be disappointed by others, so that their needs are never satisfied. A core belief based on shame leads you to believe that you are fundamentally defective or unlovable. Others have very high standards for themselves and others, and they may become overly critical of their own behavior and of others. You may have a core belief based on dependence, that you need your partner so much that you don’t know if you can get by alone.
Again, all of us have some combination of these core beliefs. And it is not like we have them in our minds all the time. Instead we feel them when they get triggered by a conflict with this person to whom we are deeply connected. When these bad feelings get triggered, you want to avoid them or make them go away. You may get really mad at yourself or you may start blaming and accusing your partner. These behaviors can make the defensiveness and the conflict escalate even more.
Self-Aware and Self-Confront
There is a process that you can go through to keep the conflict from causing more hurt. First, you can be self-aware. Instead of getting caught up and controlled by these feelings or trying to avoid them, you can learn how to be aware of them, to accept them, and even welcome them into your awareness. If you can do that with some consistency, you can get enough emotional space to recognize what is happening within you. You can stop and feel the emotion and what is happening in your body.
Then you can self-confront. You can begin to wonder: What are the thoughts that are driving these feelings, and how are my specific core beliefs contributing to what is happening inside of me? How are they guiding the way I am responding? From there, instead of reacting, you can choose a response that is more aligned with how you want to be as a loving, caring partner.
Conflicts do not have to be interpreted as something wrong with you, with your partner, or with the relationship. Very rarely is one person entirely to blame for the conflict. If you can go through the process described above, you not only keep the conflict from becoming hurtful; you can also learn more about yourself and strengthen your own sense of self and your relationship.
To learn more about couples counseling, click here.