MARRIAGE COUNSELING
Do You Have Arguments and Conflicts in Your Marriage That Never Get Resolved?
· Are you having problems with your sexual intimacy? You’ve even stopped showing simple affection like kissing and holding hands.
· Have you found yourself thinking, “There has to be more to marriage than this?” You remember times you were closer.
· Does it feel like you and your partner are living separate lives?
· Do you wonder if you really matter to your partner, if they will be there for you when you need them?
Many of these problems reflect the loneliness and disconnection that can happen in a marriage.
Often the precipitating event that brings you to couples therapy is an expression of dynamics in the relationship that have been there for years. The argument last week is one of many that became heated and doesn’t seem to get resolved. Perhaps you have been struggling with your sexual relationship for quite a while. You have fallen into a pattern relating that does not nurture the relationship or either of you and you feel like you have drifted apart and aren’t emotionally connected.
Most Couples Experience Struggles
All of these questions focus on the dynamics of close relationships that make them so meaningful and enriching to you. But because they are so meaningful, it creates a lot of pain and hurt when they don’t go well. With that pain and hurt, it is easy to become defensive and start reacting to one another, instead of responding in a loving and caring way. When this defensive reactive pattern becomes entrenched, it is time to seek marriage counseling.
In your marriage, you and your partner are striving to learn each other’s hope and dreams and to build a sense of caring and trust between you that will enrich both of your lives. But it is also true that you are two unique people. You have your own unique personalities and dreams. You have your own ways of acting, and you have different ideas about how a marriage works. It makes sense that this uniqueness would lead to some changes and struggles.
So struggles and changes are a normal part of marriage. How you handle these struggles and changes determines the impact it will have on your relationship. You and your partner may be handling them in ways that are harmful to your marriage. You may become critical and argumentative. You may become defensive and reactive. Or maybe you are tired of all the conflict, so you withdraw and create distance. This can go on for a long time. You don’t like it, but you don’t see any way out of it. You may feel like giving up and ending the relationship, and yet, there is another part of you that wants to experience again the deep connection you had when you first met.
As a marriage counselor with many years of experience, I can not only help you overcome your problems but revitalize your marriage.
Marriage Counseling Can Help You Reconnect With Each Other
When you come to me for couples counseling, we will focus on the immediate issues and concerns that bring you in, but I also would like a deeper understanding of your relationship.
To gather as much information as possible, at the beginning I will meet with you together and individually. I also use an online assessment tool created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The Gottman’s have over 40 years of experience studying and counseling distressed couples. This Relationship Checkup explores areas like friendship, intimacy, conflict, sexual relationship, finances, trust, and commitment.
We will use the information from our initial conversations and the Checkup in a couple of ways. One, we will identify some of the strengths you have in your relationship. Right now, you might think those strengths are limited or even non-existent. But they are there. The fact that you are looking for marriage counseling says that you believe there is value and meaning in your relationship.
Two, this thorough assessment will identify specific areas of concern in your relationship that we will focus on in counseling. Take conflicts, for example. We do more than consider the topics of your conflict. We will look at your patterns of interaction and consider how your own unique perspectives create and feed the conflict.
An important part of marriage counseling is identifying the unique ways that each of you contributes to the struggles in the marriage. Using mindfulness practices, you will learn how to be aware of your reactions without being controlled by them. This awareness will give you the freedom to identify the attitudes and actions that express more who you want to be as loving, caring partner. Using a specific technique called “Tools for Effective Repair,” you will learn some specifics skills about how to handle the different kinds of conflicts that happen. Using the practice of bids for connection, you will learn some ways to use simple, daily interactions to strengthen the foundation of your relationship.
All of the techniques that I use in marriage counseling have been proven to work, even with the most distressed couples.
Remember, struggles are a normal part of the relationship. It may not feel this way, but the struggles are not proof that you are growing apart; they show that your relationship is changing in ways that all relationships change. In my thirty years of working with couples dealing with a variety of problems—including affairs, sexual desire, and deep conflict—I have come to believe in the power of change that happens when two people commit themselves to the challenge of working on their relationship to enrich and revitalize it
But I still have some questions about marriage counseling?
“What if my partner doesn’t want to come with me to couples counseling?”
The motivational level of each person is always different. Sometimes, it is so different that one person doesn’t think counseling is necessary or that it will help. Of course, the growth in a relationship can be dramatic if you and your partner come to counseling. But remember, a lot of marriage therapy is about looking at yourself and the role that you play in the relationship problems, so there is a lot you can learn about the relationship even if your partner does not come with you.
“What if we are not married or what if we are living together?”
If you are in a committed relationship with another person, you will have many of the same issues that married couples experience. Couples counseling can help you explore these issues and strengthen your relationship, because it is an opportunity for you to consider how you can be a better partner in any relationship.
“What about pre-marital counseling?”
It’s a really good idea. People will invest lots of time and money on a wedding; it makes sense to invest some time and money on the marriage as well. I have a premarital program that gives you a chance to explore deeply some of the important areas of marriage: communication, conflict resolution, extended family issues, leisure time, sexual relations, finances, family of origin dynamics and how they impact a marriage.
“What about the cost of marriage counseling?”
I encourage you to think of marriage counseling as a deep investment in you and in your relationship. As I mentioned above, many people invest lots of time and money in a wedding; it makes sense to invest some time and money in building a lasting, vital relationship. If your insurance will not cover your sessions, I offer a private pay fee that is a value when you consider the changes you will experience in your marriage.
You Can Be Fulfilled In Your Marriage
I have a passion for working with couples because I believe that enhancing a marriage can enhance the life of both husband and wife, and the life of the family with children.
Please call (405) 863-5570 or click here to set up a free 15- minute phone consultation. I look forward to working with you.
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