In my work with couples, usually during the first or second session, I will ask them about how they met. Often, they will give me the facts: A friend introduced us. We met online. But I want to know more. I ask them to tell me about their first date. I ask them, besides physical appearance, what attracted them to each other. I ask them how they came to know they wanted a committed relationship with this person.
These questions are more than history-taking and reminiscing. The two people before me are married or in a committed relationship. Many of them have been together for years. And yet, here they are, sitting with me, because the problems and struggles in their relationship have become so difficult that it is hard for them to remember these two people that met and fell in love and grew together.
The beginning of a new relationship can be an exciting time. There is the thrill of the chemistry and the physical attraction. It is amazing to be deeply infatuated with someone. It is amazing to feel the infatuation that another person has for you.
But this beginning is not only an exciting time; it is a meaningful time as well. That meaning comes from the way you get to know each other. More than learning information, you entrust the deeper parts of yourself to this person. You welcome and embrace the deeper parts that your partner is entrusting to you.
But, again, here they are sitting with a counselor trying to figure out where their relationship went wrong. What happened? Part of the problem is that you stopped this amazing process of getting to know each other.
According to John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory, the bottom floor or foundation of this” house” is what he calls Love Maps. A map gives you the lay of the land. You can learn all the sights and landmarks of a place. With the knowledge the map gives, you become more comfortable and at ease.
Gottman discovered that an important predictor of relationship stability is whether couples make “cognitive room” for their relationship and for the world of their partner.
This involves developing a map of the world of your partner, a cognitive map of the relationship and its history. It is knowing your partner’s history, concerns, preferences, and what is happening in their lives.
This exploration of your partner’s inner world goes beyond that early part of the relationship. There are a couple of reasons this exploration stops. One, the busyness of daily life. You get the children off to school in the morning, and you get yourself off to work. After work, there are household chores, taking the kids to practices and games, and preparing dinner. You do not take time to build the emotional connection between you.
Another reason this exploration of your partner’s inner world stops is the conflict and struggles between you. These conflicts do not get resolved in a way that feels good for both of you. Each of you is left with some hurt or resentment. Soon, you have built up a conflict-saturated story about your relationship. It is hard to imagine working on Love Maps.
Marriage counseling is about understanding and responding differently to the conflicts in your relationship. But it is important to find ways to keep building these Love Maps intentionally.
Gottman has a Love Maps Exercise that can help you do this. The Exercise offers a series of questions. As you sit facing each other, you pick a Love Map question, read it out loud, and answer it in terms of your partner’s world. Then the partner can say, “Yes, that’s right.” Or “No, good try. Here’s the right answer.” It’s okay to make other comments our observations if you want. Then trade roles and keep alternating.
Here is an example of some of the questions: What is your partner’s favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? Who is your partner’s favorite relative? What is your partner's favorite way to spend an evening? What was one of your partner’s best childhood experiences?
This is not about getting the right answer, or being upset with your partner if they get the wrong answer. It’s about having fun reconnecting with each other again.
I was doing this Exercise with a couple. The question: What is your partner’s favorite tree? She thought about how her husband had grown up in the South, among lots of pine trees, so that was her answer. He began talking about all the time he spent in pine trees as a child. It was a touching moment of reconnection.
If you would like to know more about using Love Maps to improve your relationship, visit my marriage counseling specialty page.