You are human and you are going to make mistakes. These mistakes happen in all areas of our lives, but they happen more often in close relationships like marriage. After all, you are two different people who have committed to a life together. Part of that commitment is getting to know each other at a deep level. It is supporting each other in your personal growth.
This kind of commitment means you are with each other in your best moments and your worst. You are going to make mistakes, and that’s okay. What is not okay is refusing to take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do.
These mistakes happen during your daily life together. You promise to pick up something from the store and you forget. You are busy with work, and you forget your anniversary. You get defensive in the middle of an argument, and you say some hurtful things that don’t express who you want to be as a partner.
You feel bad, but what is important is what you do with these bad feelings. You might pretend it didn’t happen and hope it blows over. You might minimize your actions to yourself: It wasn’t really that bad. You might come up with excuses for why it happened. While these strategies help you avoid awkward and difficult conversations, eventually they have a negative impact on your relationship. It is time to offer your partner an apology.
An apology is not just a nice or polite thing to do. It is a way to acknowledge an act that, if left unnoticed, can harm the relationship. An apology gives the opportunity to disarm the anger of your partner. It can prevent further misunderstandings. We wish we could undo the harmful action. That is not possible, but a sincere apology can mitigate the negative consequences of that action.
Apologies are important for your mental and physical well-being. Research reveals that when a person receives an apology, their heart rate decreases, their blood present goes down, and their breathing softens.
But it is the emotional and relational benefits of an apology that make a difference. It can make a difference to both of you, the one who offers and the one who receives the apology.
1. Benefits of receiving an apology
If you have been hurt by your partner, you may have lot of negative emotions toward them. These emotions can be powerful, resulting in expressing your hurt with harsh and angry words. Often, the emotions are subtle, making you withdraw and not be fully present to your partner.
When you receive a sincere apology from your partner, it changes the way you see them and experience them. They are no longer a personal threat. They are someone you care about that has hurt you.
When you have been hurt, it is easy to live in the past by holding on to your anger. Receiving your partner’s apology opens the possibility of forgiveness. It gives you a glimpse into the heart of your partner that allows you to be empathetic towards them.
2. Benefits of offering an apology
The remorse and guilt you feel when you have hurt your partner is painful. You do not want to continue to experience that pain, and you may be tempted to try and avoid it. While it is uncomfortable, taking responsibility for your actions can ease the guilt and shame that you are feeling.
When you have hurt your partner, it is tempting to distance yourself from that person. You believe this distance makes it easier to deal with the guilt you feel. However, your partner will experience this distancing as another wound along with the original hurtful action. An apology allows you to stay connected to your partner. It can be a powerful connection because you are being vulnerable with them.
3. Giving and receiving an apology allows you to experience empathy for each other.
If you have been hurt, you may form a picture of this person as a wrongdoer who doesn’t care for you. When your partner offers an apology, it gives you the chance to form a new image of that person. You can have compassion for them.
If you want to offer a sincere apology, you must put yourself in your partner’s shoes. You must sense what they are thinking and what they are feeling. From that place of understanding and validating your partner’s hurt, your empathy leads you to a meaningful apology.
In my next blog post, I will offer some ways to make sure that your apology is honest and sincere. For now, if you want to know more about how I work with couples, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.