One of the most important practices in a marriage is repair. You have hurt the feelings of your partner. What you do next can have a great impact on your relationship. You can feel remorse and try to move on and forget that it happened. You can beat yourself up with guilt or shame. You can withdraw from or avoid your partner because you don’t want to experience their hurt or anger.
Or you could offer a meaningful apology. In a previous blog post, I shared some of the benefits of an apology. When you offer an apology, it allows you to deal with your remorse and guilt. It can help you feel empathy for your partner. When you receive an apology, it makes it easier to move past the hurt because you see your partner differently.
An effective apology can make your relationship more resilient and secure.
It is important, however, to understand what a good apology is…and is not.
An apology is not submitting to the hurt and anger of your partner. It is an attempt to reconcile with them. An apology says you and this relationship are so important to me that I want to do what I can to bring healing and restoration.
An apology does not come with the expectation or demand that your partner apologize as well. Your apology focuses on how your behavior violated the values you have as a partner. It is not an attempt to get your partner to share the blame.
An apology does not have any element of blame. The blame can happen in subtle ways. For example, it is common for an apology to sound like this: I am sorry that I upset you. Or I am sorry that you are upset. It sounds sincere, but you are really focusing on their response, not your actions.
An apology is not an attempt to gain quick forgiveness. When you say, “Please forgive me,” it puts pressure on your partner to respond when they are not ready. It can sound like you are trying to relief your guilt, not acknowledge what you have done.
Here are four steps to a meaningful apology.
1. Be specific about what you did.
Don’t say, “I’m sorry I hurt you or upset you.” Instead, say “I’m sorry that forgot your birthday.” At this point, it might be tempting to offer an excuse. “I’m sorry that I forgot your birthday, but I caught up at work.” If you add anything, they are words about what your behavior says about you. “I know I can be thoughtless and focus more on work than on you.”
Being specific invites you to really consider the behavior that hurt your partner.
2. Say something about how your behavior impacts your partner.
“I realize that forgetting your birthday was very hurtful to you. It makes you think that I don’t care or that I don’t matter to you.”
Sharing this impact communicates that you are aware of how the hurt may have impacted your partner.
3. Share what you will do better next time.
“Because I know how hurtful it was for me to forget your birthday, the next time we have planned a time together, I will put it on my calendar and keep it in front of me, so this won’t happen again.” It is not helpful to say something like, “I’ll never do it again.” Since you are human, that’s not really a promise you can make. It will come across to your partner as insincere.
4. Ask your partner if there is anything you can say or do that will make them feel better right now…AND THEN DO IT.
An empty promise not to do it again is not helpful, but being with them in the present moment can be meaningful.
A sincere apology is not easy. It does not undo the hurt or anger you have caused. But it does acknowledge to your partner your deep awareness that you have hurt them and want to repair the relationship. Learning to make a meaningful apology is one of the many tools I teach couples. I invite you to visit my marriage counseling specialty page to learn more.