Over the years, many clients have told me that a turning point in their treatment of anxiety is the idea of ‘developing a different relationship with anxiety.’ These people come to counseling talking about how they are anxious, like the anxiety is a quality or characteristic of their identity. Gradually, they get to a place where they talk about anxiety showing up and making its presence known. This language gives them some emotional space to decide what kind of relationship they want with the thoughts and feelings of anxiety.
One of the ways to change your relationship with anxiety is not to view it as negative or a problem. If anxiety is something negative, then you need to lessen its presence in your life or eliminate it completely. If it is a problem, well, the only thing you can do with a problem is solve it.
But what if anxiety is something that has shown up in your life. It comes with a variety of thoughts and feelings, but you don’t have to deal with them or eliminate them. You can develop a different relationship with you.
Studies show that over 40 million people in the United States live with some form of anxiety in their lives. With those numbers you begin to wonder: Is anxiety normal? Can anxiety have a presence in your life that can enhance your life in some way?
One thing that anxiety does well is capture your attention. Anxiety refuses to be ignored. Once anxiety gets a grip on you, it is hard to escape. When you feel this grip, because it is uncomfortable, you decide that it is bad, and you try to fight it. But we are learning that resisting the thoughts and feelings of anxiety can make them more present in your life.
Here are some ideas that can help you normalize the presence of anxiety in your life.
1. Anxiety is telling you that something matters.
Your anxiety is telling you to pay attention. Something is happening that is important. Something is happening that you care about. If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t feel anxious. Let’s say, you have social anxiety and someone asks you to attend a gathering of friends. You would feel anxiety because attending this gathering is something you would really like to do.
2. Anxiety can help you focus.
Because anxiety is telling you to pay attention to something that is important, it can invite you to focus on a situation and do whatever you need to address it. When anxiety shows up, your mind tells you that it is bad. This creates a lot of fear. But anxiety is not there to make you afraid or feel bad about yourself. It is there to invite you to focus on something that needs to be done.
3. Anxiety can make you more competitive.
This is something athletes know well. Sometimes, you will see athletes sitting in a locker room wearing earphones. They are tapping their feet or swaying to the music. They are still with their eyes closed. They are not relaxing. They are channeling the nervous energy they have about the upcoming contest to help them do their best. They are not avoiding or trying to get rid of their anxiety. They are using it to help them.
4. Naming your anxiety can help you tame it.
Anxiety begins as a bodily reaction. Your heart pounds and your palms are sweaty. You perspire or feel a nervous energy. Then, your mind says: You are getting anxious. But often, our minds don’t stop there. They tell you that this is a bad thing. If you don’t get control of it, it will be harmful.
So how you name your anxiety can give you some control over it. You can use some of the statements above to label your anxiety in a helpful way. Pay attention. This is important.
Seeing anxiety as a normal part of life is not an attempt to minimize its presence and power. Instead, it gives you a perspective and some tools to make choices that express your values. My anxiety treatment specialty page can give you more information about how counseling can help you with anxiety.