Being Hard on Yourself
One of the things that is true for most people who suffer from depression is that they can be really hard on themselves. You look at how your life is controlled by the depression and it is easy to become harsh and self-critical. You can ruminate on your failures, playing them over and over in your mind. This can lead to a judgmental attitude where you begin to decide that you are lacking in some way, that there is something wrong with who you are as a person. Another way to say this is you become very unkind to yourself.
Over the last few years, we have learned a lot about how self-compassion can be a powerful intervention in response to your depression. Kristen Neff has been a pioneer in this practice of self-compassion. She describes it as “being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental mental attitude toward one’s own inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience” (Neff, “Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion,” Self and Identity, 225).
When you practice self-compassion, you are able to treat yourself with understanding and kindness in moments of suffering. You are able to recognize that all of us fail at times. You become more aware of the present moment in a way that keeps you from overreacting to failures
Self-compassion is very different from self-esteem
In fact, there are ways that focusing on self-esteem can actually work against the experience of self-compassion. This is an important distinction because for many years, self-esteem has become one of the more influential ideas in psychology. In fact, many people believe that having good self-esteem allows you to have success in relationships, school, or work. High self-esteem has become one of the key factors in personal happiness.
But here is the problem. Having high self-esteem is based on comparing yourself to others. In order to feel good about yourself, you have to believe that you are unique. You have to excel at everything you do. And most important, you have to see how you better than other people. If you do not well, most of the time, your self-esteem goes down. If you can see how other people are better at life than you are, your self-esteem goes down.
But with self-compassion, it does not matter how you compare to others. Instead, you see that everyone has their own set of strengths and own struggles. More importantly, you see that you have your own set of strengths and struggles. The key is not to look at yourself differently so you can feel better about yourself. Instead, you look at yourself from a place of love, acceptance, and kindness, no matter what is happening in your life.
Self-Compassion and Depression
This loving and kind stance is especially important when you are struggling with your depression. It allows you to soften the self-judgment that is often so much a part of depression. This self-judgment happens all the time in all kind of settings. In a social setting, you may ask yourself, “How did I come across? What were others thinking about me?” In your job, you may ask yourself, “How am I doing compared to others? What does my boss think about my performance?” When we are struggling with depression, it is easy to answer these questions in a harsh, self-critical way. From the place of self-compassion, the most important things are not the answers to these questions. Instead, no matter what is happening, you will be able to be kind to yourself, even while you try to improve and change.
In some future blogs, I will offer a variety of practices that will help you express self-compassion. For now, just realize that self-compassion is very different than self-esteem.
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