You hear it all the time: “Well, you just need to be more assertive.” There are even classes you can take that are called assertiveness training. Assertiveness is an important skill to have in close relationships like marriage.
A crucial part of communicating effectively and meaningfully with your partner is learning to assert yourself. If you struggle with being assertive, you may confuse being assertive with being aggressive.
Being aggressive is about gaining an advantage in an interaction. For an aggressive person, any exchange involves someone who is right and someone who is wrong. Being aggressive works in situations where winning is the goal; it is not appropriate when you are trying to communicate in a marriage.
What exactly, then, does it mean to be more assertive in your relationship?
Sometimes it is helpful to look at the origin of a word to get a full sense of its meaning. The word “assertive” comes from a combination of Latin words that means “to join together, to put in a row, to line up.” So when you are being assertive you are joining together your thoughts and beliefs; you are lining them up so they are clear to you and to others. Being assertive is communicating clearly to your partner who you are and what you think, feel, and believe about any issue or concern.
In their book, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Couples, Avigail Lev and Matthew McKay, describes three steps to communicating assertively. Practicing these three steps is especially important when you are dealing with a conflict in your relationship.
The first step is to Observe.
What really happened in this difficult situation? What did your partner do and say? What did you do and say? Be sure you are observing without judging. It is easy to believe that you are offering a statement of fact when you are really offering an interpretation or judgment. Let’s say you speak to your partner a couple of times and they do not speak back. So now you are angry. When I ask you why, you say that you spoke to your partner twice and they ignored you. It sounds like a description of behavior, when really, it is an interpretation. You decided they ignored you, and it is easy for that interpretation to lead to other judgments like “You just don’t care” or “My thoughts don’t matter to you.”
The second step is to State Your Feelings.
This sounds simple, but it may be important to really consider what your feelings are and where they are coming from. When you share these feelings, use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. With “I” statements you are taking responsibility for your feelings. “You” statements (“You make me angry”) can be attempts to make your partner feel responsible for what you are experiencing.
Also, be careful that you aren’t disguising your judgments as feelings. Take the example above. “I feel ignored” is not really a feeling; it is a judgment about your partner’s behaviors or intentions.
The third Step is to Express Your Needs.
Remember how the second step invites you to consider where your feelings are coming from? Most negative feelings come from unmet needs. The most challenging part of being assertive may be “joining together and lining up” these unmet needs. When something your partner does leads to feelings of hurt or anger, the pain of these feelings comes from an underlying need. Being assertive means you will share these needs, instead of framing your need as a criticism of your partner. So instead of saying, “You are cold and uncaring,” you can share that your need for acceptance and support from your partner.
The goal of an assertive conversation is not winning or losing; it is not about determining who is wrong and right. Instead, you want to create the emotional space for both you and your partner to share, in an honest way, thoughts and feelings and concerns that lead to better understanding and deeper connection.
You can visit my marriage counseling page to learn more ways to understand and strengthen your relationship.