Two Different Paths
In the 1998 movie, Sliding Doors, Gwyneth Paltrow plays a young Englishwoman living in London who has just been fired from her public relations job. The plot of the movie splits into two parallel universes, based on the two paths her life could take depending on whether she catches a London Underground train or not. The two paths are vastly different. In one she comes home to find her husband cheating on her; in the other she doesn’t, and the unfulfilled marriage continues. In one she meets a man who eventually becomes someone special to her; in the other she does not.
While not as dramatic, in our relationships, we have dozens of everyday moments that can send the relationship one direction or another. In an earlier post, I shared the idea of bids for connections. It is a concept from the work of couples’ expert John Gottman. Bids are anything we do to express our desire for connection with another person. A bid can be as simple as waving hello to a stranger on the street. In closer relationships most bids happen in the small and simple moments of life. Your partner calls your name or starts a conversation. Your partner gives you a smile or simply reaches out and touches you.
Responding To A Bid for Connection
Gottman says that there are three ways you can respond to a bid. You can turn away, which means you make little or no response. You can turn against, which is an angry response. Or you can turn towards, which involves responding in a positive way. For example, you could offer a friendly and enthusiastic “Yes,” when your partner calls your name. Turning toward could include helping with a household chore or suggesting an activity for you to do.
There are so many moments during the day that you could view as mindless, just part of the day’s routine. But when you intentionally view them as bids for connection and you turn toward them, they become sliding glass door moments where you can respond to each other in a caring and connecting way.
One Couple’s Discovery
Several years ago, I was working with a couple and introduced this idea of bids for connection to them. They came back the next week and talked about the difference this perspective was making. On the very day of their appointment, the husband came home from work and walked in the door. His wife, who was already home, said “Hey dear. How was your day?” The husband started to say, “Fine,” and go change his clothes. This is what they do at the end of every working day. But this time he said to himself, “Hmm. This is a bid for connection.” He went into the kitchen where his wife was. He said they had a three-minute conversation about his day. It was not some long and deep talk, but when he went to change his clothes, he felt completely different, more connected to his wife.
I looked over at his wife as he shared, and she was smiling. When I asked her what she was thinking, she said, “Well, asking him how his day was…it really is something I do out of routine.” All of laughed when we realized that a moment she didn’t see or intend to be a bid for connection became one, because he chose to see it that way.
In his research, Gottman discovered that what he called Masters of Marriage turn toward their spouses’ bid twenty times more than couples in distress during daily, non-conflict situations. They were able to take advantage of these “sliding door moments” to build intimacy and connection between them.
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