It is a scene that unfolds thousands of times a day in households. One spouse walks in the door from work. The other spouse is already home. Maybe she is doing a household chore, or perhaps he is watching some TV or listening to some music. The person walking in the door looks up and says, “Hey, dear, how was your day?” The other person says, “Fine, how was yours?” “Great,” comes the response, as one person goes to change clothes and the other person goes back to what they were doing.
It is a simple, ordinary moment that happens every day. It’s just something that couples do, a routine they get into as part of their relationship. But what if there is another way to think about these simple exchanges, a way that can deepen and enrich the relationship with your partner? What if these moments are not just parts of a routine; what if they are efforts by two people to connect with this person they care about? And what if each person recognizes these efforts and responds to them in a meaningful way?
BIDS FOR CONNECTION
Relationship counselor John M. Gottman call these moments “bids” for connection. A bid is anything a person does that says, “I want to make a connection to you.” Just like the atom is the basic unit for matter, you could say that a bid is the basic unit for relationships. Bids can vary in their depth and power. For example, imagine you are walking on the sidewalk. Someone comes towards you, and you wave or nod your head as the get near. You could describe that as an act of politeness or social convention. You could also understand it as a bid for connection. With that simple gesture, you are saying, “I recognize you share this space with me, and I want to acknowledge that in an inviting way.”
When the relationship is closer, the nature of the bids can change. A bid can include light conversation or small talk. It could be humor, words of support or affection. A bid could be even deeper: problem-solving, sharing heartfelt subjects like goals, worries, or values. These bids can be verbal: asking questions or making comments. They can be nonverbal: facial expressions, playful or affectionate touching, nodding in agreement or understanding.
How Do Bids Make a Difference?
So, what difference does it really make to think of the bid as the building block of relationships? It can help us reframe some of the simple moments that we share with those who are important to us. The truth is, most bids for connection happen in the simple, ordinary moments of life, like the one I described above. Let’s go back to that scene for a moment. Let’s say both people decide to look at these simple exchanges as bids for connection, not just what they do every day after work. The person walking in the door says, “Hey dear, I’m home; how was your day?”, thinking about it as a bid for connection. Maybe the response is the usual “Fine, how was yours?”, but because it is a bid for connection, there is a follow-up question, “What made it fine?” Or the person who is home, hears the words, “Hey dear, I’m home; how was your day?” as a bid for connection. That person may mute the TV or the music, stop the chore, and say, “It was a really good day. That situation at work I’ve been fretting over finally worked itself out.”
Instead of going through their normal routine, there is this simple exchange. It may last no more than 5 minutes; it might become a longer conversation. But the connection between these two people feels different, because one or both of them chose to see and respond to these bids for connection.
When relationships are in trouble, it is easy to think that you need to make some grand plans that take you out of the routine so you can reconnect with each other. A romantic dinner or an exotic vacation can help; those are bids for connection as well. But one of the ways to really strengthen a relationship is to be aware of and respond to the dozens of simple moments during the day that are bids for connection.
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