Myth-Conflict Is A Sign of a Problem
Conflict and arguing is not a sign that your marriage is in trouble. Marriage is made up of two unique people…people who have their own unique personalities, dreams, ways of acting, and different ideas about how a marriage works. It makes sense that this uniqueness would lead to some disagreements and arguments.
If you believe the myth that good marriages have little or no conflict, then what happens when it comes along? You start to worry about the strength of your marriage. You start to wonder about your commitment…or your partner’s commitment. You start to do all you can to minimize or avoid conflict. You try to control or avoid the issues that you know will lead to a disagreement. So, in the service of having little or no conflict, you are getting along, but you may not be doing the what you need to do to grown and enrich your relationship. Disagreeing less or in a nice way may reduce your stress in that moment; it will not be enough to give life to the relationship.
Conflict is a normal part of marriage. How you handle conflict when is arises determines its impact on your relationship When I talk about how you handle a conflict, I’m not talking about style. I have worked with couples who talk politely to each other when they are in conflict. I have worked with couples who talk loudly to each other in conflict. I’ve seen couples with both of these styles handle the conflict poorly. I’ve seen couple with both of these styles handle the conflict well. So how can you handle conflict so that it doesn’t hurt, but can actually strengthen, the relationship?
First, be aware of how you start a discussion.
When you are discussing a concern that has the potential to lead to conflict, how you begin the discussion plays a big role in how it ends. If you start an argument harshly—meaning you attack your spouse verbally—you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup—meaning you complain but don’t criticize or otherwise attack your spouse—the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy. (The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, 161).
Marriage counseling can teach you to be aware of the specific ways that you start a discussion harshly; you can also learn some specific ways to soften your startups.
Second, be aware of how you are in a discussion.
Even if you are able to start a discussion in a softer way, conflicts are very emotional. As the conflict continues those emotions can grow and shape how you are thinking about this situation. It is easy to become defensive and begin to react to each other. Soon, you are locked into a defensive reaction pattern, and there is no good communication happening when you are locked in this pattern. So it is important to be mindful of your thoughts and feelings and how they are influencing you. Mindfulness is the practice of being present with what is happening within you, without judging or evaluating. When we are reacting defensively, it easy to judge and evaluate (often in a negative way) our words and actions and the words and actions of our partner.
Marriage counseling can teach you some specific ways to be aware of these defensive reactions and practice mindfulness in response to them.
Third, be aware of how you can stay emotionally connecteD, even in the midst of the conflict.
This practice is the real key to how the conflict will turn out. If you can find ways to stay emotionally connected and present with each other, the conflict will not be harmful to your relationship. They key to maintaining this emotional presence comes from within each of you. When you in the middle of a defensive reactive pattern, your main focus is, well, defending yourself. But here’s an important question: When you are caught up in this defensiveness are you acting in a way that fits with how your want to be as a loving caring partner? Most likely the answer to that question is no!! So part of handling conflict is accessing those personal values that shape and form who you want to be as a marriage partner.
Marriage counseling can help you discover the values that shape who you want to be in your marriage, and how you can give expression to those values, even in the middle of an argument.
Remember, conflict is a normal and natural part of a marriage relationship; it is not a sign that your marriage is in trouble or that you don’t love each other anymore. Instead, it who you are and what you do in the presence of conflict that determines its impact on your relationship.
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