One of the myths of marriage is that good marriages have little or no conflict, that couples is good relationships do not fight or argue. Marriages involve two very different people, which means two very different ways of looking at and acting in the world. Marriages involve two people who are in a committed relationship, so what happens between them matters greatly. Marriages involve two people who have their moments of weakness and struggle, and so, often, they do not handle moments of conflict well.
All of these truths about marriage are reasons why the idea that good marriages do not have conflict and arguments is a myth. And yet, this myth can still have a powerful impact on couples. Imagine that there is an issue between you and your partner that creates turmoil and conflict. If some of your initial responses are “What is wrong with our relationship?” or “What is wrong with me?” or “What is wrong with my partner?”, now you are dealing with the issue and the thoughts and feelings you have about it. You may end up dealing with the conflict in a way that is not helpful.
Marriage counseling is not about how to eliminate fighting; it is about learning how to fight fairly, that is, in a way that leads to greater understanding and connection. It is about how to manage conflict in a way that can actually enhance your relationship. In his book, ACT with Love, Dr. Russ Harris identifies three ways for you to enter into a conflict. These three ways are things that you can control. You cannot control the uncomfortable feelings that you have in a conflict. You cannot control how your partner will respond. But you can control what you say, when you say it, and how you say it.
What You Say
You are angry and upset. It is tempting to give in to the anger and let it control what you say. It is tempting to try and avoid the anger; that avoidance will also control what you say (or don’t say). But if you can let the anger be there in a curious and nonjudgmental way, you can look at what is really happening. You can ask: What do I want to happen between us? Do I want to make demands or assign blame? Do I want to make this a matter of right and wrong, or can I see it as a difference between me and this person I care about deeply?
While not giving you specific statements to say, all of these ideas will give shape to your words. They invite you to take the time you need to formulate the words that will give you the chance to say what is important for you without attacking your partner in some way.
When You Say It
It may seem that the most obvious time to say what’s on your mind is when you are in the middle of the conflict. You may believe that because when you are in the heat of the moment, you can be really honest with each other. In fact, when you are in the heat of the moment, you may be defensive and emotionally flooded; these two states actually make it more difficult to say what is important to you.
So, if you are aware of this defensiveness or emotionally flooding, it is important to take moments to recognize that and self-soothe until you are able to speak more honestly. Another option is to talk about the conflict when you aren’t in the heat of the moment. Now, you may be thinking, “If we are having a positive day, why would I want to mess that up, by bringing up an issue.” But a positive day means that you are not being defensive; you are openly present to one another. That is not a bad time to have a discussion about a conflict.
How You Say It
Relationship expert John Gottman talks about the difference between harsh and soft startups. He says that the first 30 seconds or so of a conversation about a conflict determines if it will go well or badly. What you say may not matter if your tone and your body posture communicate resentment or frustration.
You can experience this with your partner. Try this. Take turns looking into your partner’s eyes and saying, “You are wonderful,” but say it with a sneer on your face and sarcasm in your voice. Then reflect, “Which has more impact on you: the words or the attitude?” You want your words to be more than conveying information; you want them to convey your caring, your compassion, and your openness.
One final thought. Taking these actions will not be easy. Being reactive and defensive is easier, but it does not allow the conflict to strengthen your relationship. When you mindfully consider what to say, when to say it, and how to say it, you are being vulnerable, and that can be uncomfortable. But if you can stay present without getting caught up or trying to avoid difficult thoughts and feelings, you will grow in your relationship.
My marriage counseling specialty page has more information about how counseling can help a relationship if you are struggling.