In his book, ACT with Love, Dr. Russ Harris uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help couples understand some of the dynamics of marriage. The book is very helpful, offering a variety of practices that can help you strengthen and vitalize your marriage. Dr. Harris begins his book by describing four of the more common myths about marriage.
After a brief description of these myths, I will make some comments about the power of these ideas and the way they shape our understanding, and experience, of marriage.
Myth 1: The Perfect Partner.
This myth is based on the idea that there is someone out there in the world who is a perfect match for you. Your goal is to find that person, and because it is a perfect match, a meaningful relationship will unfold naturally for both of you.
Myth 2: You Complete Me.
This myth explains why the relationship with your perfect partner will unfold naturally and be so fulfilling. Most of you will recognize it as a line from the movie Jerry Maguire; it is a phrase Maguire says to his girlfriend at the end of the movie to prove his love and win her back.
Myth 3: Love Should Be Easy.
If you are with the perfect partner who completes you, then the interactions between you should unfold and flow with few concerns or problems.
Myth 4: Love Should Be Everlasting.
When your relationship is unfolding and flowing with few concerns or problems, the deep emotional intensity of your love is a bond that will keep you together “until death do you part.”
One of the first things to notice about these myths of marriage is that they talk a lot about the power of love. What makes them myths is the particular understanding of love that support them. For example, does everlasting love exists? It can be a tricky question. Many people understanding love to be a delightful mixture of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. The problem with defining love this way is that feelings don’t last very long. So when the emotions change, if you bought into the myth that love is everlasting, it is easy to wonder if something is wrong with the relationship…with you…with your partner.
The Language of Love In Marriage
Love should be easy. Marriage means you have committed yourself to a life-long relationship where you will be spending lots of time with a person who has different thoughts and feelings, different expectations about housework, sex, money, religion, and how to balance work and time together. You are with a person who has different styles of communicating, different ways of responding to things they fear, different habits that are deeply entrenched. And guess what? You partner is in the same boat.
Okay, I’ve accentuated the differences without an appreciation for the way two people can be similar. But there will always be some differences between you and your partner. And those differences will keep love from being easy. And if this person is supposed to be the perfect partner that completes you, when these differences create struggle and conflict, it is easy to wonder if something is wrong with the relationship…with you…with your partner.
You complete me. The words come at a very poignant time in a romantic comedy, but seeing yourself as incomplete without your partner sets you up for lots of problem. The truth is you are complete already, just as you are. Maybe not perfect, but certainly complete. If your partner is someone who completes you, your desire to be with them can turn into a neediness and dependence. And again, when you encounter struggles and conflicts, you mind can convince you that there is something incomplete about the relationship…about you…about your partner.
To be fair, most couples do not give expression to all four of these myths totally. If they did, relationships would most likely end very quickly. And yet, I think these myths are still present, in subtle but powerful ways, in our personal, cultural, and societal ways of understanding marriage. When I explore the problems and struggles that bring people to marriage counseling, almost always there is present a hint of one or more of these myths. For example, when a conflict or argument happens, how do you experience it and handle if you believe that you are with a perfect partner who completes with an everlasting love? How do you begin to feel about them? About yourself? About the relationship?
Marriage is an amazing relationship that gives you a chance to offer, and receive, the amazing gift of another person. But with this sharing and receiving come many challenges. Buying into the messages of these myths, even in subtle ways, can keep you from experiencing the wonder of your relationship.
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