Mindfulness is a practice where you are fully present to what is happening in the moment, and you do so from a stance of curiosity and nonjudgment. You can practice mindfulness with both your internal world and your external world. In my work with people struggling with anxiety, depression, or trauma, I help them identify and be mindfully present to the internal thoughts and feelings that are part of their struggles. You can practice mindfulness with almost anything in the external world…sights, sounds, a task you do everyday like cooking or brushing your teeth. But if you look out at the world around you, soon your eyes may fall on your partner. What would it be like to develop a more mindful relationship with them?
Developing a mindful relationship is more than just saying to yourself “I need to pay more attention.”
There are some mindfulness practices that you and your partner can do together. These practices help you learn to be more present with one another and deepen the bond between you. John and Julie Gottmann have developed an approach to marriage counseling that is based on “The Sound Relationship House.” The foundations of this “House” are what they call building love maps and expressing fondness and admirations for one another. Building love maps involves knowing about the inner world of each other. You can do that by sharing with each other. You can also do that by being deeply and fully present to each other. Doing mindfulness exercises together can help you do this.
In their book Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Couples, Avigail Lev and Matthew McKay offer several of these practices. One of the basic mindfulness practices is awareness of breath. This practice involves sitting in a comfortable position and noticing your breath. You may notice the rising and falling of your chest. You may feel the air coming in through your nose and leaving through your nose and mouth. If a thought or physical sensation distracts you, you simple acknowledge it and return your attention to your breath.
There are several ways you can do this basic practice together as a couple.
You and your partner sit facing one another. You begin by closing your eyes and each of you becoming aware of your breath as described above. When you are ready, open your eyes and look into the eyes of your partner. This is not a stare or a gaze; it is taking in the presence of this person sitting across from you. As you look, you can wonder: What am I seeing right now? What is my partner feeling? What is the life of my partner like right now? If you have other thoughts or feelings that show up and distract, acknowledge them and turn your attention back to your partner. Spend some time noticing what it feels like for you to see your partner. Spend some time noticing what it feels like for your partner to see you. Be aware of whatever you feel and just be there with those feelings.
Begin to become aware of your partner’s breathing. Be aware of the rising and falling of their chest, the way you did with your own. If you want to, you can synchronize your breathing. Don’t force this, just allow your inhaling and exhaling to come together at the same pace. Or you might begin to do a breath exchange, where one partner inhales and the other partner exhales, as if you are breathing each other.
As you continue an awareness of your breath and your partner’s breath, notice other things as well if they occur. Notice the nature of your looking. There may be moments when you break eye contact; there may be moments when you are in a deep gaze. Notice any changes in the expressions on your partner’s face. Notice any memories of times with your partner; if so, be thankful for them, but for now return your attention to your partner’s breath.
Communication—It’s More Than Talking
Good communication is one of the strengths of any relationship. But communication is more than sharing information or ideas. Communication is more than talking, even if the talking is about deep feelings. Good communication, especially about difficult topics, needs a felt sense of connection between two people; it needs a mindful relationship.
My marriage counseling specialty page will give you more information about how we can work together to heal and strengthen your relationship.