It is easy for people who suffer from depression to get caught up in thoughts and feelings that allow the depression to become entrenched. It can reach a place where these depressive thoughts and feelings become a lens through which you look at and interpret the world. The depression shapes and forms how you see yourself and how you see others; it begins to give direction to the actions and choices you make. These thoughts and feelings can be so pervasive that you aren’t even aware of them, or if you are aware of them, you assume that they accurately describe your life. One of the things I do in depression treatment is offer some practices that allow you to defuse from these thoughts; you see them as thoughts that you can believe or set aside, not as reality or truth.
When you get enough emotional distance from the thoughts and feelings of depression, you have the space to consider what you really want for your life. From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, this is called identifying your values. Values are not just tasks to accomplish; they are statements about what you want to be doing with your life. Values give guidance to what you want to stand for and how you want to behave on an ongoing basis. They are guiding principles that serve as a map for your living. Values express your deepest yearnings and desires. They answer the question: What do you want? What do you really want?
In one of his books, Scott Peck tells the story of his work with a woman where he asked that question, “What do you really want?” Her initial answers seemed somewhat perfunctory, not really thought out. “I want to be a good mother. I want to have success in my career.” Peck asked the question two or three more times, “What do you really want?” The answers were a little more in-depth each time. The final time Peck asked the question, he said he could the countenance of the woman change. Her face lightened and she smiled. She began to talk about what she already had that she gave her life meaning and what she wanted to change. She had reached a place inside that resonated with her values.
In his book, The Happiness Trap, Dr. Russ Harris offers some questions that invite you to think about your values:
**Deep down inside, what is important to you?
**What do you want your life to be about?
**What sort of person do you want to be?
**What sort of relationships do you want to build?
**If you weren’t struggling with your feelings or avoiding your fears, what would you channel your time and energy into doing? (p. 167)
A couple of observations about Harris’ questions. One, these are questions that you may assume you know the answer to, but when you begin to think about and answer them, your responses may be as perfunctory as Peck’s client. Two, your struggle with depression may make it a challenge to answer these questions.
The good news is that you don’t to make your depression go away completely before you give your attention to these value questions. The truth is trying to get ride of your depression is just another attempt to control the thoughts and feelings that contribute to it. But if you can defuse from these thoughts and feelings, you get enough emotional flexibility to consider what you really want for your life.
Values are not just inspiring ideals; they give shape to your decisions and your actions. Think about a decision or a new direction you want to go in your work life or in a close relationship. It is possible to make a decision based on what you think or hope will work. Or you can make a decision that is an expression of a specific value you have for that area of your life.
Living a values-based life can give you a sense of meaning and vitality, even if you struggle with depression. So it is a good question to consider from time-to-time: What, really, do you want?
My depression treatment page has more information about depression and how to overcome it.