The couple sitting before me was clearly distressed.
I had been working with them for several sessions, and they had done some good work on their relationship, so they were able to tell me the story of their struggle. The husband reported that he came in from work; his wife was already home sitting at the kitchen table. He said that he walked by her own the way to the bedroom and greeted her; she said nothing. He walked by a second time and greeted her; again, she said nothing. “Here I am trying to change our relationship,” the husband said, “and she ignores me when I come home. How can she do that? It seems like she doesn’t care.” Of course, when he confronted her, it led to a huge fight that they were still trying to get past.
Perhaps you have your own thoughts. One of them might be, “Well, why did she ignore him? He’s right there talking to her, trying to engage her.” The problem is those your wonderings, like those of her husband, are coming from the wrong place. Notice what the husband says: Two times he walked by, spoke to her, and she ignored me. It is subtle, but “she ignored me” is really the meaning he gave to his wife’s failure to speak to him. So, his reaction to her is based on his interpretation of his wife’s behavior and the motives behind her behavior.
This exchange illustrates a dynamic that happens between couples all the time. It is easy to get focused on what your partner has done to anger you or hurt you. If you do that enough, you begin to create a picture of your partner as an uncaring person. You can even string together a story that supports your belief that your partner does not care for you. This story can be so powerful and pervasive that before long, without recognizing it, you are relating, and reacting, to the picture of your partner that you are carrying around inside you…not the person standing before you. In other words, what you see is what your get.
So what can you do?
You can’t make you feelings go away. You can’t make the story go away. Let’s go back to the couple I described above for some answers. First, the husband. His wife “ignores” him twice, and he gets angry. What would it have been like for him to pause, and be willing to feel his anger in an accepting, non-judgmental way? What would it have been like for him to be wondering and curious about his anger? Perhaps he could have seen the interpretation he was giving to his wife’s behavior; this might have led to him wondering if something was going on with her, since she normally does not act like that. The wife? Instead of reacting immediately from a defensive posture, she could have been willing to feel her reaction when he said she was ignoring him. She could have wondered what was happening with him and what was happening with her.
Controlled By The Story
Conflicts like this happen in all relationships, but couples can really get in trouble when the story they have formed of the other person begins to dominate and dictate most of their interactions. It’s like a defensive reactive pattern has become the norm of the relationship, based on how they are perceiving each other. But neither of them is aware of it so all they can do is blame the other, and the conflict continues.
If both of them had been able to be mindful of and accept their own thoughts and feelings, this conversation could have gone very differently. Fortunately, we were able to enter into that kind of conversation in our session. Each person was able to see and acknowledge the reactions happening inside of them. Each person was able to hear and to validate what was happening with the other. This gave each of them a chance to wonder about the origin of their reaction. They were able to see the story each was creating about the other. Each of them was able to wonder, “What happens if I become absorbed in this story? If I give myself to this story and let it shape my actions, will it strengthen or weaken my relationship?” They were able to consider that each of them has their own struggles, and perhaps that is the origin of their reactions. Because it really is true: What you see is what you get.
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