How Do You Want The Relationship To Be?
Several years ago, I was finishing my work with a couple. They had done some amazing work to strengthen their relationship beyond the problems that brought them to me. In their final session with me, I asked if there was anything in particular that they found helpful. They had a very specific answer; it was a question I asked them in our very first session together. I invited them to share it with me, so I could be sure and ask it in the future, and all three of us laughed. This was the question. I asked each of them: How do you want to be in this relationship…apart from how the other person wants to be?
They shared that it was the second part of the question that was most helpful: apart from how the other person wants to be. They went on to explain: Without that second part of the question, because of where we were in the beginning, I would have just thought of all the things I didn’t like about the relationship, and then I would have listed the opposite. But the question made me consider: What, really, is my picture of loving, caring husband? What, really, is my picture of loving, caring wife? And how can I give expression to those, no matter what the other person is doing?
The question had invited this couple, from the very beginning of counseling, to think about what they valued as a couple, as a partner in a relationship. Values are our deepest desires for how want to be in the world, what we want our lives to stand for. They are an expression of what matters most to us. They are a picture of how we want to interact with others, how we want to be in relationships, the difference we want to make in the world.
Values In Relationship
We can name and express values in many different areas of our living. What are our values at work? In friendships? In our community life? In our leisure time? In how we take care of ourselves physically? And yes, in our close relationships like marriage? How do you want to be in this relationship, apart from how the other person wants to be?
Values are important, and yet, we do not spend a lot of time thinking about our values, naming them and figuring out the roles they can play in our lives. When we don’t think about values in an intentional way, it is easy for our behaviors and choices to come from somewhere else. For example, when it comes to marriage, we begin to make choices about our daily interactions that are based on cultural ideas about marriage or what feels right. Now these ideas and feelings aren’t wrong, but if they don’t agree with our values, they do not help the marriage. And you won’t know that if you don’t spend some time looking at your values.
Values Guide Your Actions
The power of your values does not come from simple inspiration; they come from their ability to guide your actions at any given moment. This is especially important when the moment is a difficult or challenging one. Think about your relationship. It’s not just about what kind of partner do I want to be. It’s about what kind of partner do you want to be when you are feeling defensive or angry? What kind of partner do you want to be when the other person acts in ways that are hurtful? These are questions about values, and the values you have for your marriage will determine how you look at and behave in these difficult moments.
I want to say more about values in future posts; I hope you will join me in exploring this most important part of your relationship. For now, I want to thank the couple who shared with me how much this question meant to them. It is a question I ask, in one form or another, with every couple I work with in counseling. Because it is yet another really good question.
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