How Are You Doing, And Why
Bill Hendricks was one of my professors who became for me a mentor in many areas of life. When I took my first class from Dr. Hendricks, I was in awe of his knowledge, but mostly his presence and the way he carried himself. Over the years, he became my friend who, with his wit and his wisdom, challenged me to see the world differently.
One day, between classes, I ran into Bill in the men’s restroom. We were standing at the sink, washing our hands, combing our hair. He looked at my reflection in the mirror, and, with just a hint of playfulness in his eyes asked, “How are you doing today, Mr. Hardwick…and why?” Then he quickly walked away, leaving me with a question that obviously I have never forgotten.
“How are you doing today…and why?” I love the question at many levels. It takes words of social convention and turns them on their head. Many times during the day, we may pass someone who crosses our path and ask them, “How are you doing?” They say, “Fine,” and we go on our way. But it is the “why” that gives us pause. In fact, it may invite us to reconsider our answer to the first question. How am I, really? And what is it about my life that leads me to answer that way?
“How are you doing today…and why?” It is a simple question that can invite us out of our autopilot living; it can bring us into a mindful state to consider what really matters. Many of us will simply go through the motions of life until something happens that gives us pause and we begin to mindfully wonder what our lives are about.
For some of you the events of life are so challenging that you never get to the place of mindful wonder. You are busy struggling with your anxiety or your depression. You are struggling with the disruption of relationship or work that your anxiety or depression creates. It feels like you need to get all of these thoughts and feelings under control before you consider a question like “How are you doing today…and why?”
But giving yourself to this question, even amid anxiety, can actually help you enter into a new relationship with your problems. It is the “why” part of the question that can do this. The “why” invites you to think about what is most important in your life. What are the ways that you find meaning and vitality in your life? How is the anxiety getting in the way of you experiencing this meaning and vitality?
Values In Counseling
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the approach I use in anxiety treatment, the word that describes the answer to these questions is VALUES. In his book, ACT Made Simple, Dr. Russ Harris describes values this way: “Values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. They’re what we want to stand for in life, how we want to behave, what sort of person we want to be, what sort of strengths and qualities we want to develop.”
You may be thinking that once I get my anxiety under control, then I can give my attention to bigger things like values. And yet, spending time defining clearly what you want to stand for in life and how you want to behave can create some of the positive emotion and motivation you need to change your relationship with your anxiety. Naming your values won’t make your anxiety magically go away; naming your values will give you a direction you can always be moving, even in the presence of anxious thoughts, feelings, and situations.
Your Deepest Desires
Our lives will offer us many opportunities to think about our deepest desires and how we want to be in the world. One of mine happened years ago, when my mentor looked at me in the mirror and asked, “How are you doing today Mr. Hardwick…and why?” It is a question I heard over 40 years ago. It is a question that still bounces around inside of me. That’s because it is a really good question.
Click here for more information on anxiety treatment.