There are lots of ways to describe depression: sadness, despair.
There are lots of ways to think about the source of depression: traumatic events, psychological injuries. This leads to lots of theories about how to heal depression. Identify and challenge the depressive thoughts and replace them with more positive ones; doing this will make you feel better. Seek to understand and explain the traumatic events and the psychological injuries; when you do, that will lead to more positive thoughts and feelings.
All these efforts to overcome depression are about controlling or managing your thoughts and feelings. You try to control by avoiding or pushing them away. You try to control by identifying and replacing with different ones. You try to control by understanding them which will lead to more positive thoughts and feelings.
But here’s the thing. Let’s say I run into you in ten years and ask you how are doing with your depression. My guess is that you don’t want your answer to be: Well, for the most part I am managing and controlling it and getting through life. You want to be able to speak about how your life has a sense of meaning and vitality. And I can hear your response: Well, it would have those things…if I could find a way to get rid of the depression. And on and on it goes.
Develop A New Relationship to Depression
All that I have described here is why my approach to depression treatment is about developing a new relationship with your depression. Depression does not mean that something is wrong with you; it means that there are some things happening in your life—the way you think, the way you act—that aren’t working. If you are willing to experience your depressive thoughts and feelings, without fighting them or getting caught up in them, you can do more than manage the depression. You can live a full and meaningful life.
The word that I use to describe this life of vitality is VALUES.
In his book, ACT Made Simple, Dr. Russ Harris describes values this way: “Values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. They’re what we want to stand for in life, how we want to behave, what sort of person we want to be, what sort of strengths and qualities we want to develop.” Now you may be thinking: “That’s great, and I will give my attention to these values…as soon as I get rid of my depression.” But if you are willing to experience your depression without trying to control it, you find enough emotional flexibility to turn your attention to these deepest desires.
When you go to counseling, you can spend a lot of time talking about your struggles…the things that you don’t want in your life. However, a significant part of the healing from depression and other problems is talking about and understanding what you do want. If the depression is no longer in control, what kind of person do you want to be? What do you want your relationships to look like? How do you want to make a difference in the world? All of these are questions about values.
It’s not a matter of overcoming your depression and then focusing on values. Yes, there are strategies to take in response to your depression, but spending time naming and connecting with what is most important to you can give you some of the positive energy you need not only to overcome your depression but to make choices that give expression to the person you want to be in this world.
Almost everyone who struggles with depression talks about living without a sense of purpose or direction. That sense of purpose and direction is something you can begin to define and make real in your life right now. In fact, focusing on values can contribute to your healing from depression.
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