We all enjoy watching things grow.
There may be a wall or door in your house with marks and names and numbers by the marks. They are snapshots of your children, or yourself, at different ages. At some point in school, you probably brought home a Styrofoam cup with a seed buried in some dirt. There was the excitement of watching a tiny leaf emerge from the dirt and grow into a plant.
In the 1995 film, Smoke, Auggie, the owner of a tobacco store, takes a picture of his shop from across the street every day at 8 a.m. As a way to mark the passage of time, this is a ritual he has performed for years, and it ends up bringing together a variety of people who touch each other’s lives in some way. All of us have photo albums that we pick up and look through from time to time.
With all of these actions, you are doing more than marking the passage of time. You are marking change and growth. You are recognizing that something is alive. You are acknowledging that to be alive is to change and to grow. Even while there are ways that you remain the same, you become someone different.
What is true for you and everything else in the world is also true for marriage.
Have you ever stopped and thought about all that you are saying when you speak these words to someone (or to yourself): I am married? Being married is not just a state in which you live. It is not just something you are. It is something you are becoming. I have a friend who says that every day, at some point early in the day, he chooses to be married. He is not saying with a note of resignation, “Okay, I guess I’ll stick around one more day.” Instead, he is giving voice to a conscious intention that he hopes will give shape and direction to how he is with his spouse.
It is possible for this fascination with watching things grow to lessen. You walk right by the door and don’t really notice the marks and names anymore. It has been months, maybe even years since you looked through your photo albums. You fall into the rhythm of ordinary living and you don’t really think about how your marriage can grow. And yet, growth and change does not just happen. Like the tiny seed in the Styrofoam cup, it has to be fed and nurtured. How do you do that in this relationship that is so much a part of your life but can be taken for granted.
The Sound Relationship House
Over the years, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have done extensive research to discover the ways of relating and being together that make a marriage thrive. They have incorporated this research into a model they call The Sound Relationship House. There are a several levels or floors to this Relationship House, and it is important to nurture all of them to nurture growth in your relationship. The foundational floor to this House is what the Gottman’s call “Love Maps.” This refers to how well you know the inner world of your partner. It is about finding out who your partner is right here and now. It is about knowing what their priorities are. Where are they finding meaning and joy? What are their worries and concerns?
You may be thinking, “Well, we’ve been together for many years. Of course I know these things.” But all of us grow and change, and some of the ways your partner responds to these questions may be very different now. And even if many of the answers are the same, the act of sharing them again can bring you closer together.
Another part of building these Love Maps is practicing rituals of connection.
These are regular and predictable ways that you and your partner can count on because they are woven into the fabric of your life together. These rituals can be as simple as a kiss every morning before leaving or having a regular time each week when you go out for a meal or cook one together. They could include a time to sit down and ask open-ended questions about each other’s life like the ones mentioned above. It is important to do these rituals, not as habits, but with intentionality.
We are all fascinated with watching things grow, and that same fascination can be expressed in your marriage. The original meaning of the word “fascinate” is “to bewitch or enchant.” It refers to an amulet that was worn around the neck to strengthen the power of the enchantment. I think that is what my friend was doing when he woke every morning and chose to be married. He was opening himself up to being fascinated by this person in his life. The practices mentioned here can do more than grow your relationship; they can grow your enchantment and fascination with this person your love.
You can learn more about how to strengthen your relationship and overcome the struggles you may be experiencing in your marriage by visiting my marriage counseling specialty page.