When people who don’t know me very well find out I am a therapist, often they will ask, “What, exactly, do you do?” Of course, they have their own images of what I do: give advice, help people get in touch with their feelings. Many people describe therapy as analyzing your thoughts and feelings; after all, there is a form of therapy called psychoanalysis.
For me, therapy is not about deep analysis of thoughts and feelings; instead, I help people slow down the thinking and feeling process so they can see what is really there, and decide how they want to relate to what is really there. To do this, you have to pay attention to language, because it is through language that you have a relationship with your thoughts and feelings.
Take the simple question, “How are you feeling?”
What are people asking with that question? What do they want to know? And what happens inside of you when you are asked that question? If it is someone you don’t know well, you probably formulate and share a response like “Fine…thanks for asking.” But what if the question comes from a parent, or a friend, or a loved one, or a therapist?
How are you feeling? If you are struggling with depression, how would you answer the question? Along with saying you are depressed, you could respond, “I am feeling sad. I am feeling hopeless. I am feeling alone. I am feeling empty.” These responses sound like forthright answers that state what is happening with you. But if you were sitting with me in a counseling session, we would not move on the next question; we wouldn’t analyze these answers. Instead, I would slow things down a bit and consider what is really happening with these answers and how you can change your relationship with what is really there?
Instead of inviting you to answer, “How are you FEELING?”, I am inviting you to consider, “HOW are you feeling?
Where, exactly, are these feelings coming from? Often feelings are triggered by an event in your life. It could be something that happens in the world around you. A critical comment from your boss or coworker. A physical injury. Words of anger or hurt from a friend or loved one. It could be an event that happens inside of you: A painful memory or a disturbing thought. It could be a physical pain or sensation. If the event is significant, the reacting part of your brain will alert you and go to work.
What does the brain do? It quickly evaluates the event. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Is this right or wrong? Is this helpful or beneficial? If the brain decides that this event is mostly positive, it will trigger the body to move toward it and welcome it. If the brain decides that this event is mostly negative or threatening, it will prepare the body to fight it or avoid it.
At this point, you have don’t really have what we call emotions. You have an event and a bodily response to the event. This is where the thinking part of yourself, your mind, takes over. It gives a label to what is happening. Joy. Delight. Anxiety. Sadness. Disappointment. But this thinking mind does not stop there. It gives a whole context for the feelings you’ve just named. For example, if you are struggling with depression, your mind tells you the critical comment from your boss is just another example of how inept you are at work. Your mind tells you that this painful memory is something you will never get over. In fact, if you are suffering from depression, your mind will take events that offer joy and delight and convince you that they are not real or will soon go away. So the sadness, the disappointment, and the emptiness deepen.
Event…bodily reaction…interpretation and meaning from your mind.
This process can happen so automatically and so quickly that you assume this is just who you are and how life is. How are you feeling? I am depressed. As I mentioned before, depression treatment can slow down this quick and automatic process, so you have more emotional flexibility in how you respond. You can take some moments to really be present with the subtleties of the triggering event. You can notice the way your brain determines if this is a good or bad event, something to welcome or something to avoid. You can notice the meanings that your mind gives to what has happened, so you can see them as thoughts, not as unchangeable statements about who you are.
I encourage you to visit my depression treatment specialty page to learn more about how counseling can help you answer in a way that is helpful and meaningful: How are you feeling?