We Want to Be More Intimate
When I ask couples what they want to work on in counseling, it is not unusual to hear them say, “We want to be more intimate” or “We want to develop more intimacy.” It is a worthy goal for a relationship, but often, as a way to get their attention, I will say, “Well, I can’t help you with that.” Of course, then I go on to explain that it is hard to work on intimacy itself, because in many ways, intimacy is a by-product. It is the by-product of two people, self-disclosing, at an emotional level, in a context of caring and safety.
When two people do this, intimacy will happen naturally as a by-product. The work done in therapy is helping the couple learn how to do each part of that process that results in intimacy. They will learn how to self-disclose, not just talk about news, weather, and sports. They will learn to share at a deeper, emotional level. They will learn how they can each contribute to this context of caring and safety, and what they might be doing to keep that context from happening.
For intimacy to occur, partners must be willing to share and to receive what the other person is sharing. It might be helpful to thing of different kinds of intimacy. In his book The New Rules of Marriage, therapist Terry Real says that the self-disclosure and sharing that leads to intimacy happens in five areas of our lives: intellectual, emotional physical, sexual, and spiritual.
Intellectual Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy involves sharing your thoughts and your ambitions. You share the questions you have about life and the world around you. You share concerns and wonderings. And you would be open to what your partner is sharing in these areas as well. You would enjoy the places where you see things similarly, and you would show respect for the differences. You would adopt a welcoming and curious stance toward what your partner is sharing, and you would welcome what they share in a nonjudgmental way.
Be aware of how the tasks of everyday life can get in the way of intellectual intimacy. You might find yourself not really listening to what your partner is saying. You might find yourself being critical or even judgmental about what your partner is sharing.
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy involves the sharing of your deep feelings. You share your fears and joys. You share your sadness and your anger. You receive what the other person is sharing with respect and compassion. You respond as tenderly as you can to the vulnerable emotions your partner is sharing.
Be aware of ways that you struggle or are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. This area of intimacy is one that many couple find difficult. This is especially true for men who have grown up with an image of masculinity that involves denial of emotions. Because of this discomfort, you may find yourself withholding your feelings or withdrawing from interactions with your partner because strong emotions may show up.
Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy involves the expression of physical affection like holding, hugging, and touching. But it is more than just physical touch; it extends to many kinds of physical care. It can involve building a physical space together like a house or creating a welcoming space in the place where you live now.
Be aware of how these expressions of physical intimacy can be lost in the busyness of daily life. The demands of other areas of your life, like work or parenting, can allow these simple gestures to happen less frequently. Instead of building a physical space together, you end up with tasks to take care of that physical space.
Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy involves giving expression to your own sexual desires and receiving erotic pleasure from your partner. It might involve a willingness to explore different ways of being together sexually that you have not experienced, they are ways you or your partner want to experience. You teach each other how to be good lovers in a way that honors mutuality.
Like physical intimacy, be aware of how your sexual intimacy can be lost in the busyness of daily life. The sexual part of the relationship is still one of the significant problems that couples encounter in their relationship. There can be many reasons for this struggle, so if you sense the loss of passion between you, it is important to explore the source of that loss.
Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy involves the sharing of a spiritual life, but this can be in any form that each of you finds meaningful. For some people, spirituality is expressed in religious practice, but for others it is devotion to a larger cause beyond yourself. This can be giving yourself to a charity or political activities. It might involve a dedication to art or education.
Be aware of how spiritual intimacy goes unexplored in your relationship. While each of you might have your own causes, there is something very powerful about coming together as a couple and giving yourself to something beyond yourselves.
All five of these types of intimacy contribute to a stronger marriage. It might be meaningful for your and your partner to spend some time exploring how present these are in your relationship. You might wonder together how well each of you are in sharing yourself and in receiving what your partner has to share.
This is one of many areas I explore with couples in marriage counseling. You can visit my marriage counseling specialty page to learn more.