This problem has been in my life for as long as I can remember.
It has always been this way.
I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t get rid of it; it always shows up again.
These are some of the thoughts that may come to you in response to a problem that has been around for a long time. It has been around so long that it feels like it is part of who you are. It may be a pattern of thinking. It may be a feeling. It may be a habit or some other behavior. It may be a combination of all of these.
Take anxiety for example. You look around, and it seems like most people are living anxiety-free lives. Oh, they may have anxious moments from time to time; they deal with them, and then they move on. But for you, it seems the anxiety, like a chronic low-level fever, is always there. It’s not that your heart is racing with full-blown panic, but there is a worry that shapes how you look at and feel about the events of the coming day. It is a worry that shapes how you think about the future. It is an anxiety that gives you concern about how others see you…about how you see yourself.
“I have always been an anxious person. It’s just who I am.”
The thoughts and feelings of anxiety can show up so quickly and automatically that you are not even aware of them. Instead, you may feel a heaviness or a sense of things not being right. And it’s not just one particular thought, feeling, or action. The anxiety weaves together a whole story about you that you live out. This story contains examples of all the other times the anxiety showed up after you thought you had finally beat it. You begin to wonder what is wrong with you; I’ve tried so many things, and the anxiety is still here.
So you put together a new strategy that you are certain will work this time. But in the back of your mind there is the thought: I have always been this way. It’s just who I am.
I invite you to consider that your struggle is not about the strategies you use against the anxiety but the story you are telling about it. A worrisome thought or an anxious feeling shows up, and your thinking mind immediately tells you: This is a problem. This is bad. You need to do something about this right now. That is the way that the thinking mind works. It is always looking for situations that can threaten your safety and your happiness. And when it finds them, it goes to work solving them or eliminating them.
But what works so well with problems in the outside world does not work with the thoughts, feelings, and memories that contribute to your anxiety. All of these live inside of you, and they can’t be eliminated. The struggle is not about the strategies your thinking mind uses against the anxiety; it is about the story your thinking mind tells you about the anxiety.
Could it be that anxiety and worry are not really problems that you have to solve?
What if they are things that happen to you because you are human? What if you have anxiety and worry because another part of you knows that there are ways of living that matter to you and that you want to express? So, it is not about eliminating the problem of anxiety; it is about letting the anxiety be there so that it can point you to the values you want to live out. This unique perspective is a significant part of how I work with people who struggle anxiety. You will learn mindfulness and acceptance practices that can quiet the thinking mind’s tendency to make anxiety a problem and try to eliminate it. You will learn to discover your values and find ways to give expression to them in a meaningful way. You will see that anxiety is not just who you are; it is a gateway to a more fulfilling life.
If you would like to learn more about this, please visit my anxiety treatment page.