Conflict: A Part of Relationships
One of the myths of relationships is that a good relationship involves little or no conflict. In fact, all couples have conflicts. Every couple is made up of two unique people, with differences in worldviews and life experiences. Each person has their own way of dealing with the thoughts, feelings, and happenings of life. All of these differences happen in the context of a relationship where each person commits to the good of the other and looks forward to the good that comes to them from being together. With these differences and close connections, it makes sense that conflicts will happen.
So conflict is not a predictor of success or failure in marriage. It is not about the frequency or the intensity of the conflicts; instead it is about how you work together to understand and move through the conflict that adds or takes away from what you want your marriage to be.
For over 40 years, Dr. John Gottman has been studying relationships to learn all the interactions and ways of being together that make marriages work or fail. In his research, he has learned that there are some ways of relating that are especially damaging to the relationship. These interactions not only show up in the presence of conflict; they are often the source of the conflict. They are so important that he has given them a rather ominous name: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These interactions describe what is happening inside of each person that creates and complicates conflict. They are the biggest predictors of relationship failure in Gottman’s research.
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Horseman 1: Criticism
Criticism involves blaming a problem in the relationship on a flaw or characteristic of your partner. Criticisms often show up with words like selfish, uncaring, or thoughtless. They are often accompanied by statements like “You never” or “You always.” There is nothing wrong with bringing up a complaint; it is harmful to the relationship to couch that complain in words of criticism.
Bringing up a complaint begins with saying how you feel. It continues by describing a situation that contributes to that feeling. Finally, you end by saying what you need to make you feel better. Notice that nowhere are there comments about the other person. You are saying what is important for you.
Horseman 2: Contempt
Contempt takes criticism to a whole other level. It includes insults, name-calling, put-downs, and blame. Declarations of contempt happen when you consider yourself better than or superior to your partner. Contempt is often expressed with words; but you can also do it nonverbally with sneers, rolling your eyes, or shaking your head. Gottman’s research shows that contempt is one of the most harmful practices, so it will be important for each person to be aware when it shows up within you.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is one of the most common horsemen; it is also one of the most difficult to recognize and stop. This makes sense. In a conflict, it is easy to feel like you are being unjustly blamed or attacked, especially if your partner uses criticism or contempt. No one likes to be attack, so it makes sense that you would become defensive.
There are at least two ways to express defensiveness. One way is to play the role of victim, claiming you are being mistreated. The other way is to counterattack, and it is easy to feel justified doing this, since it is in response to what your partner has done.
Another challenge of defensiveness is the skill you need to overcome it: accepting some responsibility for the problem. Taking just a little bit of responsibility can help. You hear your partner’s complaint and look for some way you contributed to what’s happening: “Good point…that makes sense.”
Horseman 4: Stonewalling.
Stonewalling happens when you shut down in the middle of a conflict and withhold any verbal or nonverbal response to what your partner is sharing. Stonewalling often happens because you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and the only way to keep things from getting worse is to shut down. The antidote to stonewalling is to take the time you need to self-soothe so you are able to reenter the conversation from a more helpful place.
Sometimes it is hard to identify the presence of these four horsemen in the middle of a conflict. Well, it may be easy to identify and point out when your partner is expressing one of them, but the goal is to see these behaviors in your own actions and to intervene. One of the things I do in marriage counseling is to help you feel, identify, sense, and feel these feelings and behaviors, and help you choose a way to respond that is more in line with how you want to be as loving, caring partner.