Learning how to develop response-ability to your anger means understanding how anger develops. You may not think that there is a process to anger; it just seems to happen, and you have to figure out how to manage it. In their book, ACT on Life Not on Anger, Georg H. Eifert, Matthew McKay, and John P. Forsyth identify five components to anger.
The Five Components of Anger
Pre-Anger Feelings
Anger is often a secondary emotion. What this means is that anger is response to other emotions that happen before the anger. For example, anger is often a response to shame or guilt. You may feel like your self-worth is being attacked by the actions of another (shame), or you have done something that goes against your values (guilt). These are uncomfortable feelings, and it makes sense you want to avoid them. Another pre-anger feeling that is very common is hurt. When hurt shows up, it is easy to give in to resentment, which quickly leads to anger.
Shame, guilt, hurt…none of these feelings are comfortable, and anger can mask all of these unpleasant emotions. Sometimes it is easier to get angry than feel and deal with these other emotions.
Trigger Thoughts
Along with difficult emotions, you can have thoughts that trigger your anger. These thoughts could include memories of past hurts or losses. These thoughts are usually labeled as good or bad, right or wrong. You often end up judging yourself for what has happened in the past. When you have these memories and these judgments, again, the feelings are uncomfortable. It is easier to see yourself as a victim and blame someone else for this discomfort.
Anger Feeling
The pre-anger feelings and trigger thoughts give was to the feeling of anger. This anger can be sudden, or it can build gradually; it can erupt, or it can be seething inside of you. The best way to sense these feelings is check in with your body. You may feel your heart beating fast, and your breath becomes rapid. You may clench your jaw, feel tension in your muscles. One of the easiest ways to check on these anger feelings is taking your pulse. Even if some of these other symptoms may not show up, if your pulse is around 100, there is a good chance you are flooded by the anger.
Impulse To Act
It may be hard to distinguish the impulse to act on your anger from the pre-anger feelings and the trigger thoughts. The anger feeling can happen so quickly in response to these thoughts and feelings that it seems like there is nothing you can do but express your anger. But if you are going through the process of noticing these components of anger, even if the anger is distressing, there is still a moment where you can sense and notice the impulse to act. This impulse is connected to one of the myths of anger, that frustration naturally leads to aggression; it is just part of who you are. Again, noticing these components of anger can help you respond differently to it.
Anger Behavior
This is what most people think of when they think of anger. But the truth is, up to this moment, you really haven’t done anything. Yes, there is a lot happening inside of you, but nothing has happened yet outside of you. But you feel the pressure of the anger process, and it is easy to act. This could include obvious actions like shouting, finger pointing, or breaking something. More subtle actions can be looks of disgust, cutting or sarcastic remarks, or withdrawing and sulking.
To be aware of these components of anger you have to be present, really present, to what is happening in the moment. These components invite you to be mindful of thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that tell you the anger is present. What you are doing with these components is becoming an observer of your anger, instead of getting caught up in it and controlled by it. This observer stance invites you to see and experience the anger as normal and natural; it gives you the emotional flexibility you need to choose a response to your anger that is more in line with how you want to be.
You can go to my anxiety treatment page for more information about dealing with anxiety and anger.