It is not unusual for anxiety and stress to lead to anger.
The anxiety shows up; you make all kinds of efforts to control it. When that control doesn’t work, it is easy to get angry at the situation or the person that seems to be the source of the stress. And while anxiety is an emotion that seems to be problematic, even wrong, you have lots of people that will tell you that anger is normal and natural. After all, not everybody has anxiety or panic, but everybody gets angry.
While I would question that anxiety is a problematic emotion, it is true that no one will go through life without emotional pain and anger. Yes, anger is a part of the human condition, and yet, the way we handle and respond to anger often creates more hurt and robs you, and those in your life, of the chance to live an enriching life.
So what to do with your anger?
Because it is something that everyone experiences, there have been lots of suggestions about how to deal with your anger. Most of them fall under the heading of “Anger Management.” Some of these anger management strategies include trying to calm your mind, changing your thoughts, distracting yourself, keeping the anger down or suppressing it when it shows up. You may be encouraged to get your anger out, to have a cathartic experience like hitting pillows instead of people.
Over the years, we are starting to realize that none of these anger management techniques work for any length of time, and some of them can give the anger more power and control in your life. The solution to anger is not trying to manage it; instead, you change your relationship with and response to the anger. Yes, anger is something that everyone experiences, but it harmful only if you react to the feeling of anger with angry behavior.
Because anger is a universal feeling, it is important to challenge some of the myths about anger. In their book, ACT On Life Not On Anger, Georg H. Eifert, Matthew McKay, and John P. Forsyth, identify five myths of anger.
Myth 1: Anger and Aggression are Instinctual to Humans
This myth suggests that anger and aggression are basic instincts that have been built into our DNA over time. Anger is part of our biological makeup. This thinking can lead to simply ignoring or explaining away your anger. It is just who I am. After all, all of have this adaptive response that is the called the “fight or flight” response. So the anger helps your survive.
And yet, we have discovered that survival and thriving in life are based just as much on cooperation, not conflict and aggression. There really is not scientific evidence to support the claim that humans are innately aggressive
Myth 2: Frustration Inevitably Lead To Aggression
This myth was popularized by Sigmund Freud, who believe that people are born with an innate aggressive instinct. As mentioned above, there is no scientific evidence to support that idea. One of the consequences of this myth is that you can use it to explain and even excuse your anger when things don’t go the way you want.
Myth 3: Venting Your Anger Is Healthy
This one has been around for a long time. It is still very popular; in fact, it is part of a lot of anger management programs. It is based on the idea that frustration builds up over time, and it must be released in some way. If you can do this venting in a controlled way, not aiming it at someone else, you can purge yourself of the anger.
Research shows this venting does not work. In fact, one study says that people who vent their rage actually get more angry rather than less angry. And let’s not forget that when you let your anger out, it can be met by anger from the other person…which will only increase your anger.
Myth 4: Anger Is Always Helpful
Anger can be beneficial when you use it as a warning that something is wrong. It can invite you to pay attention to a situation that has a real or perceived threat. But at that point, the anger has done its job. But when you allow your anger to be fueled by hostility, instead of using it as a warning, it becomes harmful.
Myth 5: Your Anger Is Caused By Others
It seems to make perfect sense. Someone does something. You get angry. Those two things happen so quickly in succession that it is easy to assume that the action of the other is the source of your anger. This myth allows you to shift blame to the other, and any response you make is justified.
Here is the important thing to understand about anger. Yes, it is triggered by people and events beyond your control. But what you do with the anger and how you respond to the angry thoughts and feelings are your responsibility.
In future posts we will explore some ways that you can move beyond managing your anger to developing a new relationship with it, a relationship that allows you, even in the presence of anger, to choose actions more in line with who you want to be.
Dealing with anger is part of how I do anxiety treatment. You can learn more by going to my anxiety treatment page.