Anger In The World Today
One of the myths about anger is anger and aggression are instinctual to humans. When we buy into this myth, we are able to justify our anger and refuse to take responsibility for it. And when we combine that with another myth—that anger is the result of what someone has done to us—then this innate angry response is on the other person, not ourselves.
To be sure, there is a lot of anger in our world today. You can see it in comments on social media and the rhetoric of politicians and those who support them. Anger shows up in our personal relationships as well. You can express this anger in hurtful words toward the people in your lives, but even if you don’t express it verbally, the anger can be seething inside of you, leading to resentment and distancing yourself from those who care about you.
The Problem of Resentment
I am a fan of the etymology of words. Sometimes, learning where words come from can help you understand them better. Take the word “resentment” for example. It comes from the Latin word “sentire,” which means to feel. The “re-“ prefix intensifies the word to which it is attached. So resentment means to feel deeply and intensely. Isn’t it interesting that this word that speaks of feeling deeply has become synonymous with spite and holding a grudge? You decide that since I feel this anger so intensely, there must be something to it. It must be real and justified.
Maybe the most important question is who, really, is responsible when the anger and hurt rise up within you? When you decide that someone else has caused your hurt, it is easy to see yourself as a victim. You feel threatened because of the wrongdoings of the other person. If you stay in this place, you can now turn your focus away from your pain. You can concentrate on listing all the injustices you have suffered because of the other. Doing this can make you feel better…for a while.
But eventually it is important to ask: Has this relief ever lasted? The truth is this resentment that you feel from blaming others does not move you closer to a life that expresses your values. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you shift the blame from others to yourself. Blaming yourself is no more helpful that blaming others. All this blaming puts you or other people down. It feeds your anger. It results in inflicting harm and keeps the cycle of anger going.
Are You Response-able?
This whole process of assigning blame does not work; it simply feeds your resentment. Maybe you need to think differently about responsibility. It is not about who is responsible. It is about who is response-able? Who is able to truly respond when the anger shows up? Who has the ability to change things in your life…even in the presence of anger?
This idea of response-ability can be very freeing. It begins when you recognize that it is difficult, maybe even impossible to control your angry thoughts and feelings. This response-ability continues when you give your attention to what you can control…what you do, what you say, how you act when the anger is there.
When you adopt the stance of response-ability, you are free to consider important questions like: What, really, have I gained from my anger? How much time and energy have been tied up in trying to manage or expressing my anger? Do I have the courage to respond differently to angry feelings?
In future posts I hope to offer some suggestions about these different responses to anger. For now, maybe it is enough to consider the place of anger in your life. What has it cost you in the many areas of your life—your relationships, your career, your friendships, your health, your emotional life? How can you respond differently, in a way that expresses who you want to be in life?
I invite you to learn more about anger and anxiety by visiting my anxiety treatment page.