Learning how to develop response-ability to your anger means understanding how anger develops. You may not think that there is a process to anger; it just seems to happen, and you have to figure out how to manage it. In their book, ACT on Life Not on Anger, Georg H. Eifert, Matthew McKay, and John P. Forsyth identify five components to anger.

One of the myths about anger is anger and aggression are instinctual to humans. When we buy into this myth, we are able to justify our anger and refuse to take responsibility for it. And when we combine that with another myth—that anger is the result of what someone has done to us—then this innate angry response is on the other person, not ourselves.

While anxiety is an emotion that seems to be problematic, even wrong, you have lots of people that will tell you that anger is normal and natural. After all, not everybody has anxiety or panic, but everybody gets angry. I would question that anxiety is a problematic emotion, but it is true that no one will go through life without emotional pain and anger. 

Who are you?  One of the most basic and simple questions in life.  How you answer the question may depend on where you are.  You can picture a social setting where someone you do not know approaches and asks, “Who are you?”  

Let’s begin with an exercise. Think about the worries and fears that drive your anxiety. When you have a sense of them, complete each of these statements with the first noun that comes to mind.

My worries and fears are like…

My responses to my worries and fears are like…

Looking back at the quote above, ask yourself: Did you select words that are fluid, soft, and gentle?  If you struggle with anxiety, probably not.

Let’s do an exercise. Take a moment to think of one of your favorite foods. Think of one that really enjoy. I’ll play along as well. For me, it is my mom’s German chocolate cake. Don’t just think of it. Really imagine it sitting there in front of you. Bring the image to life as deeply as you can. Picture what it looks like; notice all the different colors and textures.

Mindfulness is being in contact with the present moment as it is happening, from a place of nonjudgmental acceptance.  You welcome whatever is happening in the world around you and the world inside of you. This conscious awareness of the present moment is important when you are dealing with something like anxiety. 

When dealing with all the thoughts and feelings that go with anxiety, it is not unusual to try and avoid them. In fact, from the perspective of the thinking part of your mind, this makes sense. After all, who wants to have these disturbing thoughts and feelings? So we come up with all kinds of strategies to avoid them. In his book, ACT Made Simple, Dr. Russ Harris gives you a way to identify the different ways you try to avoid your anxiety.

Thoughts and feelings can come and go; they can be all over the place. But this observing self allows you to feel the difference between this thought or feeling, these actions, and YOU. From the place of the observing self, you have enough flexibility to choose how you want to be in any situation, in the presence of any thought or feeling, no matter how distressing it might be.

It is easy to become so fused with thoughts like “I am shy” or “I am unloved.” You don’t even notice it happens. And yet, every time you say, “I am…,” you become what comes after the “I am.” So if you say “I am anxious” or “I am worried,” it is like you are saying something about your essential self, instead of something that is happening to you. But the truth is thoughts and feelings are a part of you. But they are not YOU.