Your Problem Becomes Your Identity
It is easy to get so caught up in the struggle with a problem that it becomes your identity. Several years ago, I was a guest speaker at a group meeting for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). Part of the talk involved sharing by the group members. As they spoke, I was struck by how often they prefaced their comments with “Well, as an ACOA, I would…” It was like everything in their world was seen through the eyes of their identity as an ACOA.
It is easy to become so fused with thoughts like “I am shy” or “I am unloved.” You don’t even notice it happens. And yet, every time you say, “I am…,” you become what comes after the “I am.” So if you say “I am anxious” or “I am worried,” it is like you are saying something about your essential self, instead of something that is happening to you. But the truth is thoughts and feelings are a part of you. But they are not YOU.
Anxiety is an emotion you experience from time to time. Yes, it is very powerful when it is present, but eventually is will subside. One person has said it this way: “You—the person who experiences and observes your life—are separate from the feelings of anxiety, panic, or dread. Like every thought or emotion, your anxiety has its moment on the stage, then slips into the wings. The only permanent, immutable thing is you—the audience—the observer of your life” (The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety).
The Silent, Observing Self
Being aware of this silent observer part of you can ground you as you go through the wonders and challenges of life. There are a variety of images that can help you get in touch with this observing self. It is the vessel that contains all the experiences, all the thoughts and feelings, that you have collected through your life. Your anxiety, and all the thoughts and feelings that go with it, are images on a movie screen. Your observing self is the movie screen on which they play.
You may be thinking: I don’t want to observe life. I want to live it. Being aware of your observing self is not being numb or distant. Instead, it gives you a perspective. You will be able to be more deeply involved in all of your life, even your anxiety and worry, instead of reacting. Being an observer gives you enough emotional space to know how to give yourself to something, how to let go of a thought or feeling, or what to do in a certain situation.
Listen To Your Body
One of the best ways to take this observer stance is to listen to your body. Your thoughts and feelings can be all over the place. They can be caught up deep in the past or far off in the future. But your body, your body is always in the here and now. And that is the best place to be when you are dealing with an episode of anxiety and fear. So listen to your body. You can begin by noticing your breathing. Don’t try to change it; just notice it. You can place your hand on your chest and feel your beating heart. Notice its rhythm; does it get slower or faster?
Notice your feet. Feel them planted firmly on the ground. You might even press them even more into the ground so you feel more, well, grounded. You can scan your body for any significant sensations.
Now that you have grounded yourself in the present moment with your body, it is easier to observe what’s happening in your mind. Just observe; these are just moments on the screen of your observing self. You know you are feeling anxiety; are you feeling anything else? What are you saying to yourself? Do you feel the urge to do something to get rid of this anxiety?
When you can look at your anxiety from the place of the observing self, you realize this is not who you are. These are just moments in time. They aren’t much fun, but you don’t have to fight them or get caught up in them. These are moments when you can really feel and know that you are more than your anxiety.
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