Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, what is fluid, soft and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard.
-Lao Tzu (600 BCE)
Let’s begin with an exercise.
Think about the worries and fears that drive your anxiety. When you have a sense of them, complete each of these statements with the first noun that comes to mind.
My worries and fears are like…
My responses to my worries and fears are like…
Looking back at the quote above, ask yourself: Did you select words that are fluid, soft, and gentle? If you struggle with anxiety, probably not. Most likely, your anxious mind came up with words that are hard and unyielding. This is the way anxiety works. Your thinking mind can turn almost any thought, feeling, or memory into something hard and heavy…something that weighs you down and robs you of the joy of living.
This is where the practice of mindful acceptance can be helpful. Mindful acceptance is more than just a daily practice; it is a stance you can take toward your life. Whenever you feel the thoughts and feelings of your anxiety, you can really watch them. You can let them be there without judging them as good or bad, or without getting caught up in them.
It is easy to misunderstand acceptance. It may feel like accepting your anxiety is just taking it. It can feel like giving in or giving up, resigning yourself to the fact that the anxiety will always be there. But consider the literal meaning of the word. To accept is to “take what is offered.” You are willing to open up and be present to whatever is happening, even if it is the distressing feelings of anxiety.
The power of mindful acceptance is that it offers a third way to respond to your anxiety, instead of fighting to keep it away or getting caught up and overwhelmed by it. These seem like normal and natural responses, but you know from your experience that these responses really don’t work. So why not try something different?
How Can Mindfulness Really Help?
How can this third option really help? If you can just stay with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, you gain enough emotional flexibility to choose a different response. You can become curious and wondering about the thoughts and feelings. This opens up responses that are softer and more fluid; you find a gentle space that allows to choose an action more in line with what gives you meaning and vitality.
Of course, this mindful acceptance goes against everything you’ve been taught. When a problem comes along you have been taught to deal with it, to solve it, to figure it out so the problem will go away. But what if anxiety is not a problem? What if it is just something that shows up in your life from time to time? Yes, it can feel painful and distressing, but it is not a problem to be solved; it is something that you are experiencing because, well, you are human.
In my office, I keep a box of Chinese Finger Traps. I often give one to clients and invite them to put an index finger in either side of the tube. Then I invite them to pull their fingers out. When they do this, they notice that the tube tightens around their fingers. Some of them will feel a bit disoriented and even fearful. After all, it makes perfect sense to pull hard to remove your fingers. But it is only by pushing even more into the trap that you get the space you need to get free.
Leaning Into, Not Fighting
Acceptance is like that. It is like leaning into the struggle of the anxiety, not fighting against it. You could say it is a more soft and gentle response. In anxiety treatment, you will learn a variety of acceptance practices to change your response to your anxiety. And it does take practice because this is not the normal way you respond to your fears and worries. After the experiment, I usually let the clients take the Chinese Finger Trap home. It is a reminder of mindful acceptance that will help you gain a different relationship with your anxiety.
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