You yourself, more than anyone else in the universe, deserve your kindness and affection.
-Buddha
One of the goals of depression treatment is emotional and psychological flexibility.
When the depression shows up, you don’t give all your energy to trying to get rid of or avoid or lessen the depression. Instead, you have enough emotional flexibility to let go of the struggle with the depression. Depression does not mean that you are bad, or something is wrong with you. It is something that is happening to you like it happens to so many others around you. With this psychological flexibility, you can offer a more relaxed and gentle response to the thoughts and feelings of depression.
As Buddha observed, a powerful part of developing this flexibility is to share with yourself what you often share with others: your kindness and affection. One of my mentors said that you don’t make mistakes and struggle and suffer because you are good or bad, right or wrong. These things happen to you because you have a pulse, because you are breathing. Life will give you many opportunities to express your imperfections. You will be short with your spouse or children. You will not do as well as you wanted on a test or a project at work. These moments can become another chapter in the self-defeating narrative the depression wants you to write. Or they can be moments when you can give yourself the kindness and affection you deserve.
Self-compassion practices can be an amazing antidote to depression.
In fact, based on what we have learn over the last few years, a regular self-compassion practice can make a big difference in your life, even if you aren’t depressed. We are learning that people who practice self-compassion have lower levels of depression and anxiety. People with high levels of self-compassion are more motivated to learn about themselves; they spend less time trying to gain the approval of others, and they aren’t afraid to make mistakes. Self-compassion helps lessen the impact of negative emotions when you receive criticism from others.
In an earlier post, I shared Kristen Neff’s description of self-compassion as “being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental mental attitude toward one’s own inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.” Self-compassion is not trying to think happy and positive thoughts about yourself to make you feel better. Instead, it is, intentionally and mindfully, treating yourself with caring and gentleness, no matter what is going on in your life.
A simple way to begin the practice of self-compassion is to become aware of those moments when you treat yourself kindly and those moments when you are critical of yourself. Think back through the last few days. When do you feel the most kindness for yourself? Is there something specific about you or the situation that is the target of your kindness? What are the times that you are most critical of yourself? Is there something specific about you or the situation that is the target of your criticism?
It might be helpful for you to chart these moments so you can go back and look at them. As you do you can see moments that evoke moments of kindness toward yourself. Look for ways to express that kindness in other situations. You can see moments that trigger moments of self-criticism. Be aware of the ways you are be harsh and judgmental toward yourself and find ways to be gentle and caring in those moments.
A Self-Compassion Practice
A simple self-compassion practice that I find meaningful involves the Mindfulness of Breath. In this practice, you sit comfortably and simply become aware of your breath. You notice the air going in and out of your nose, or you feel the rising and falling of your abdomen. As thoughts come to you, you thank them for their presence and return your attention to your breathing. This is a basic mindfulness exercise; I add self-compassion to it by crossing my arms across my chest as I breathe in and breath out. It is a way for me to embrace and to hold this person that I am in this space and time. This person with all the joys and sorrows, with all the doubts and certainties, with all the pain and delight.
I am giving myself my own kindness and affection that I deserve.
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