When dealing with all the thoughts and feelings that go with anxiety, it is not unusual to try and avoid them. In fact, from the perspective of the thinking part of your mind, this makes sense. After all, who wants to have these disturbing thoughts and feelings? So we come up with all kinds of strategies to avoid them. In his book, ACT Made Simple, Dr. Russ Harris gives you a way to identify the different ways you try to avoid your anxiety.

Thoughts and feelings can come and go; they can be all over the place. But this observing self allows you to feel the difference between this thought or feeling, these actions, and YOU. From the place of the observing self, you have enough flexibility to choose how you want to be in any situation, in the presence of any thought or feeling, no matter how distressing it might be.

It is easy to become so fused with thoughts like “I am shy” or “I am unloved.” You don’t even notice it happens. And yet, every time you say, “I am…,” you become what comes after the “I am.” So if you say “I am anxious” or “I am worried,” it is like you are saying something about your essential self, instead of something that is happening to you. But the truth is thoughts and feelings are a part of you. But they are not YOU.

It is easy for problems like anxiety to push us around. That is hard to admit; in fact, you may resist the idea. But it really can happen. It can begin the moment you start to feel the anxiety. The world around you says that anxiety is not a good thing. It tells you that the presence of anxiety is a problem, and it might even suggest that you are a problem for having it.

All of us have had the experience of getting caught up in good book or great movie. Or you have been engrossed in a deep conversation. Maybe you have been wrapped up in planning a vacation you are looking forward to or solving a problem a problem at work. There are those times you are in the flow during a tennis match or a game of golf. Or it could be that you are reveling in some moments daydreaming in the hammock. It’s not unusual to lose all track of time when you are so caught up in moments like these. These times are some of life’s greatest pleasures.

Some time ago, I was working with a client who was struggling with anxiety and panic. During one of our sessions, as he talked about a particularly difficult bout of anxiety, I noticed that his hands were clenched together on his lap. This is not unusual; after all, when you talk about the feeling of anxiety, it is something that you feel in your body. Clenched hands. Tightness in some part of your body. Rapid heartbeat. A general feeling of being on edge.

My approach to anxiety treatment is not about managing and controlling your anxiety symptoms. Instead, the goal is to develop a new relationship with your anxiety. This involves the willingness to experience, even welcome your anxious thoughts and feelings without trying to avoid them or figuring them out. When you are able to be in the presence of your anxiety in an open, nonjudgmental way, you create enough emotional flexibility to choose your actions, not based on what the anxiety wants you to do, but what is more in line with what you value.

One day, between classes, I ran into Dr. Hendricks in the men’s restroom. We were standing at the sink, washing our hands, combing our hair. He looked at my reflection in the mirror, and, with just a hint of playfulness in his eyes asked, “How are you doing today, Mr. Hardwick…and why?” Then he quickly walked away, leaving me with a question that obviously I have never forgotten.

Earlier I wrote a blog that talked about the difference between fear and anxiety (Fear and Anxiety: What are They?). I described how fear is focused on the present, a real threat that is right in front of you. It is fair to say that COVID-19 is more than right in front of us; it is all around us. Not just the spread of the virus but the media coverage about it.

One the significant barriers to getting beyond your anxiety is to frame it as something wrong with you that you have to fix, or a problem that you have to solve.  When you view anxiety this way, the only options you have are to avoid or fight off the thoughts and feelings that contribute to your anxiety.   And yet, the truth is everybody, everybody, experiences anxiety.