Everyone Faces Anxiety
One of the significant barriers to getting beyond your anxiety is to frame it as something wrong with you that you have to fix, or a problem that you have to solve. When you view anxiety this way, the only options you have are to avoid or fight off the thoughts and feelings that contribute to your anxiety. And yet, the truth is everybody, everybody, experiences anxiety. Maybe not to the same degree or in the same way that you do, but the situations and circumstances of life, at many points along the way, create anxiety or fear or worry. So if you are asking “Why do I have this anxiety?” the answer is “Because you have a pulse.” You have anxiety because you are a real human being moving through the stuff of life.
Here is one of the great ironies of living. There is the tendency to view anxiety as a problem or defect, and yet everybody faces it throughout life. Perhaps there is a better way to think about anxiety, a way that will get you beyond avoiding or solving it. My approach to anxiety treatment is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and it offers a different relationship with anxiety and worry. It’s found in the name: Acceptance.
What Do We Mean By Acceptance?
It is important to understand what ACT means by acceptance. After all, I’ve heard many people say, “Well, I just need to accept the fact that I have anxiety.” The words are often spoken with a sense of giving in or giving up. But the kind of acceptance that ACT suggests is not just taking your anxiety. It is not resignation to it because you see yourself as weak or failing.
To understand ACT’s experience of acceptance, look at the literal meaning of the word: “to take what is offered.” Anxiety is happening; acceptance invites you to open up and be real and present to what is happening anyway. There is nothing passive about this stance. Instead, it gives you a chance to develop a new relationship with your anxiety, one that you haven’t considered before because, up to this point, it has felt like you had limited options: to avoid it, figure it out, or fight it.
The acceptance of ACT is a mindful acceptance. That is, you are fully aware of feelings of anxiety and worry that are happening right now. If you can do this consistently, the next thing you will feel, and mindfully accept, is the temptation to give in to your discomfort and try to control the anxiety and worry. This is the way you’ve always done it, but you are also aware that the control agenda may provide some short-term relief, but it doesn’t offer any lasting solutions to anxiety.
You are mindful and accepting of your anxiety. You are mindful and accepting of the temptation to control it. If you stay with the acceptance, some amazing things will happen. You will begin to see your thoughts for what they are—ideas your mind is creating to help explain or avoid or solve the anxiety. You will find yourself become curious about the thoughts and feelings associated with the anxiety. This curiosity results in you being able to see what is happening more clearly, and that seeing creates a space for you to choose an action that is more in line with what you value.
Chinese Finger Traps
Maybe you have played with one of those Chinese finger traps, a tube of woven straw with openings on each end. You push your index fingers into the ends of the tube. You feel the trap close around your fingers. So you pull your fingers out, and it is then you notice that the tube tightens even more. Now this is strange. In every other situation, pulling out is the obvious solution, but here it doesn’t work.
The anxiety trap works exactly the same way as the finger trap. It seems logical to pull away from the anxiety, but that actually tightens the grip of the anxiety on you. So maybe you struggle a little more or figure out a different way to pull away from the anxiety. The grip tightens.
So what is the solution to the finger trap? You must do something that goes against all your instincts. Instead of pulling out, your push in. This gives you just enough space to escape. This is a great illustration of mindful acceptance. It seems counterintuitive, but if you are able to lean into the experience of your anxiety, to be with it without fighting it, you will find that you have enough emotional space to move on with your life.
I have a box of Chinese finger cuffs in my office that I use with clients. Usually, I give it to them to take with them as a reminder of a way to have a different relationship with anxiety. There are a variety of practices you can learn to experience mindful acceptance. If you are interested in learning more about anxiety treatment, click here.