Clenched Hands
Some time ago, I was working with a client who was struggling with anxiety and panic. During one of our sessions, as he talked about a particularly difficult bout of anxiety, I noticed that his hands were clenched together on his lap. This is not unusual; after all, you call it the feeling of anxiety, but it is something that you feel in your body. Clenched hands. Tightness in some part of your body. Rapid heartbeat. A general feeling of being on edge.
He was not aware of the clenched hands when I pointed it out to him. At that point, I decided to give him a chance to have a different experience with his anxiety. First, I invited him to simply unclench his hands and set them gently on his lap, palms facing upward. He was able to feel the release of tension in his arms that he didn’t even know was there. We wondered if his clenched hands were not just a symptom of his anxiety; they were also an effort to keep his anxiety under control.
With that idea in mind, I invited him to imagine his anxiety lying there in his hands. He could picture it in whatever shape or form he wanted. Then, I invited him to clench the anxiety in his hands. This time he could feel the tension in his arms and he could feel the efforts to keep the anxiety in his hands. I invited him to open his hands again and let the anxiety rest in them. Again, he felt the release of tension, and he was more comfortable holding the anxiety in his hands. After letting it rest there for a few moments, we wondered what he wanted to do with the anxiety. We decided that he would just let it rest there while we continued the session.
This scene captures an important part of anxiety treatment. The normal response to the presence of anxiety and panic is to control it. You can do that by trying to avoid it or push it away. Or you might try to fight it or contain it. You can try to figure out where it comes from; then you will know what to do with it. You do these things because these efforts seem to work with other tasks. But what works in the world out there doesn’t work with the world inside. Yes, you may get some short-term relief, but long-term, you spend a lot of your life managing your anxiety, not enjoying a meaningful and vital life.
Willingness Instead of Control
Instead of controlling the anxiety, what about developing a willingness to allow the anxiety to be present? You just let it rest there. You don’t judge the anxiety as bad; you don’t judge yourself as bad for having the anxiety. Right there, in the moment, you let it be, like the client letting it rest in his unclenched hands. You might even reach a point where you can welcome it and even thank it for being there. Even if you don’t get to that point, you can notice that the anxiety can be there, and you can feel the relaxing of tension.
Anxiety Sitting In Your Hands
Not only can you let it be there, you can even go on doing what you want to do, just like my client continuing with his session. Every now and then, he would look down and notice the anxiety sitting in his hands. It had not gone away; it was still there. But with his willingness to accept it and not struggle with it, he was able to engage in a meaningful conversation with me.
This client and I had talked about the idea of acceptance; this encounter gave him the chance to experience it and the difference it can make. In many ways, it was a turning point for him. I asked him if it was okay for me to share this experience with others. He happily said yes. That is why I have used it with other clients. That is why I am sharing it with you. Perhaps it sounds strange, this idea of allowing or even welcoming your anxiety (or stress or depression or anger…it works with a lot of things). But if you’ve tried managing or controlling it with no real long-term success, you might give it try.
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