Several years ago, I was finishing my work with a couple. They had done some amazing work to strengthen their relationship beyond the problems that brought them to me. In their final session with me, I asked if there was anything in particular that they found helpful. They had a very specific answer; it was a question I asked them in our very first session together. I invited them to share it with me, so I could be sure and ask it in the future, and all three of us laughed. This was the question. I asked each of them: How do you want to be in this relationship…apart from how the other person wants to be?

The word for today: Appreciation. The most common definition of appreciation is recognizing and enjoying the good qualities of someone or something. It comes from the Latin word, appretiare, which means to set as a price, to appraise. To appreciate someone or something is more than noticing, saying “Isn’t that nice,” and moving on. To appreciate is to know, to feel, and to enjoy the deep value that this object, this place, or this person has in your life. To appreciate is to “set a price” for all of these things, not in some economic sense, but in what they add to your life.

In his book, ACT with Love, Dr. Russ Harris uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help couples understand some of the dynamics of marriage. The book is very practical, offering a variety of practices that can help you strengthen and vitalize your marriage. Dr. Harris begins his book by describing four of the more common myths about marriage. After a brief description of these myths, I will make some comments about the power of these ideas and the way they shape our understanding, and experience, of marriage.

It is normal for couples to have fights and conflicts. Every couple has stories of how their partner has wronged them. Many will suggest that once the fight has ended that it is best to move on and not dwell on the incident. And yet, one or both people carry around the hurt from a past incident; the incident still has a lot of emotional energy. So why is it difficult for couple to let go of bad interactions?

According to John and Julie Gottman, one of the building blocks for building a sound relationship is the expression of fondness and admiration. Those words can be an invitation to deepen the relationship with our partner. For example, the word “fondness” comes from a Middle English word that mean “to be foolish” or “to be simple.” Or take the word “admiration.” It comes from an Old French word that means “astonishment or surprise.” It can also mean to “regard with wonder.”

John and Julie Gottman, in their work with couples, talk about another kind of map: The Love Map. With a Love Map, you are not exploring a geographical location. You are mapping a place that has much more appeal and attraction to you: the inner world of your partner.

As an alternative to weekly therapy, my Intensive Couples Therapy offers a condensed and focused approach, allowing you the extended time you need to address specific problems between you so you can get your relationship back on track.  You will have uninterrupted time (up to 4-5 hours each day) to talk in depth about the struggles of the relationship in a way that is not available in weekly marriage counseling.

It is a simple, ordinary moment that happens every day. It’s just something that couples do, a routine they get into as part of their relationship. But what if there is another way to think about these simple exchanges, a way that can deepen and enrich the relationship with your partner?

Conflict is a normal part of marriage.  How you handle conflict when is arises determines its impact on your relationship.