Changing Our Language
Sometimes it is helpful to change our language when we are talking about how we feel about our partner. At the beginning, when two people are getting to know each other and building an emotional connection, you find yourself using the language of love. I really love you. I like being with you.
Of course, the language of love can feel overused, because people mean so many different things when they say, “I love you.” Do the words describe a physical attraction, or do they speak of a deep emotional connection? Do words of love describe passion and romance, or something more lasting? Maybe we need to broaden our vocabulary as we try to describe the depth of a relationship that is part of a marriage commitment.
Regard With Wonder
According to marriage counselors John and Julie Gottman, one of the building blocks for building a sound relationship is the expression of fondness and admiration. Those words can be an invitation to deepen the relationship with our partner. For example, the word “fondness” comes from a Middle English word that mean “to be foolish” or “to be simple.” Or take the word “admiration.” It comes from an Old French word that means “astonishment or surprise.” It can also mean to “regard with wonder.”
It’s one thing to use the language that everyone around us uses: I love you. I like you. I feel deeply for you. But what if we could find moments and find ways to say, “I am astonished by you.” Or, “Being around you makes me want to act in wonderfully foolish ways.” Sometimes in my work with couples, I will have them sit facing each other and spend 3-4 minutes just looking. Not staring but looking. Taking in the presence of the person before them. It can be hard to do this exercise. Sometimes it is because of the strain in the relationship. But often the challenge comes from how vulnerable you feel having someone look at you and looking at someone else.
But this simple looking can also awaken deep feelings of wonder and delight. Of fondness and admiration. When we have been with someone for so long and have grown close to them, it is easy to assume that, for the most part, we know them well. But in moments like looking deeply at another and holding their presence in you, you become aware of the wonderfully mysterious person before you. You feel that even with all you know there is so much more to learn. And so much more of yourself to share.
What Do You Appreciate?
Another way to express fondness and admiration is to find moments to say what you appreciate about your partner. This is more than just a thank you for an act. It is a deep awareness of something about them that touches you. You can appreciate that they are dependable or nurturing. You can appreciate that they are witty or thrifty. You can think of specific moments when they have displayed these qualities to you. And you can express your delight and wonder, your fondness and admiration for how they are with you.
When people come to me for marriage counseling, we will spend time with the problems and conflicts they have. But we will also spend some time learning some specific ways to express this admiration and fondness, for they are important parts of a sound and vital relationship.
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