What Is A Love Map?
Last week, the newspaper of the city where I live (Oklahoma City) published a picture of a map of the state of Oklahoma. Not particularly exciting news until you see that it is a topical relief map made by a 3-D printer. With this map you can see the rise and fall of elevation changes as the plains of the state rise to meet the Rockies to the west. This is more than a map that gives you directions from one place to another. It allows you to know more about the lay of the land for a place in which you have interest.
Most of us think of maps as practical tools. We need to get somewhere. We look at a map and get directions. The map has done its job. But some maps, like the 3-D map of Oklahoma, aspire to be works of art. They don’t just give directions. They give insight and information; you can feel like you have a more intimate knowledge of a place.
John and Julie Gottman, in their work with couples, talk about another kind of map: The Love Map. With a Love Map, you are not exploring a geographical location. You are mapping a place that has much more appeal and attraction to you: the inner world of your partner. We can all remember those moments early in a relationship where we share with our partner and receive all that we can learn about our partner. It is all so new and there is so much to learn about this fascinating person you are in relationship with.
Your Partner’s Inner World
After months or years of being in relationship, it is easy to lose track of your partner’s inner world. This can happen for several reasons. The rhythm and routine of life takes over. And yet, for both of you, all the different parts of your lives keep growing and changing: social, work, physical, emotional, spiritual, family of origin. Before long, you can lose contact with all that is happening with your partner, and you can feel that your partner has lost contact with you. It can feel like you are living parallel lives, close but not really connected.
According to the Gottmans, one of the ways to address this concern is to rebuild your Love Maps. This rebuilding is rediscovering the inner world of your partner. Their likes and dislikes. The concerns and preferences they have for different areas of their lives. Favorite memories from their past, recent or long ago. Their values and priorities. What is concerning or worrying them right now.
It is important to set aside some time to do this with intent and focus. Love Maps are created by asking each other open-ended questions, which is a question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” Do you know your partner’s favorite musical group? Do you know their hobbies? What stresses is your partner facing in the next few weeks?
Even if there is part of you that says, “Yes, I know the answer to those questions?”, taking time to learn more about them can, like the 3-D map, give you a better understanding of the lay of the land of your partner’s inner world.
If you would like to learn more about the practice of Building Love Maps or any other area of your relationship, contact me. I would love to talk with you.
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