What is intensive marriage counseling?
As an alternative to weekly therapy, my Intensive Couples Therapy offers a condensed and focused approach, allowing you the extended time you need to address specific problems between you so you can get your relationship back on track. You will have uninterrupted time (up to 4-5 hours each day over 2-3 days) to talk in depth about the struggles of the relationship in a way that is not available in weekly marriage counseling. It is a good model for couples who do not live in the vicinity of a marriage counselor or whose schedules do not allow for consistent weekly sessions. And it is also a good model for couples who want to get help immediately.
My approach to couples therapy is based on the work of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Dr. John Gottman has observed more than three thousand couples and followed up many of them for over twenty years. Gottman wanted to identify factors that would predict the success or failure of a marriage; along the way he discovered behaviors and interactions that strengthen relationships and kept them stable and vibrant. For the last 40 years, John and his wife Julie, a trained therapist, have offered marriage therapy and workshops based on the information from John’s research.
What happens in intensive marriage therapy?
Before you come to your sessions, both of you complete the Gottman Relationship Checkup. This is an online assessment tool composed of 480 questions that explore five different categories: Friendship and Intimacy, Safety Scales, Conflict Scales, Shared Meaning System, and Individual Areas of Concern. Question topics include friendship, intimacy, conflict, finances, children, trust, and commitment. Once both of you have completed the assessment online, I will receive a report that will give us lots of information to form a treatment plan that will address specific areas of concern in your marriage.
We will use Gottman’s model of The Sound Relationship House (SRH). We often talk about working on our relationship or building our relationship. This model for working and building a relationship house contains the specific areas that, according to Gottman’s research, need to be nurtured for a marriage to be enriching. You will learn interventions and practices that address, in specific ways, each area of this Relationship House.
We will spend a lot of time with this model, but let me describe each area briefly. The first three levels focus on friendship. Building Love Maps helps you deepen your understanding of your partner’s inner world, his or her worries, stresses, joys, and dreams. Sharing Fondness and Admiration focuses on the amount of affection and respect in the relationship. Turning Towards is learning how to respond to your partner’s bids for connection, most of which happen in the ordinary moments of life.
The lower three levels of the SRH determine whether the next level is positive or negative. This level is what it feels like for each of you in the relationship.
The next level deals with Managing Conflict. Conflict is a normal part of marriage, so we talk about managing conflicts, not resolving them. You will learn about the different types of problems in a marriage and how to talk about them in a way that moves you from gridlock to dialogue. You will learn how to express acceptance of your partner even as you ask them to change.
Making Life Dreams Come True is creating an atmosphere between you that encourages each person to talk honestly about each of your dreams, values, and aspirations. Creating Shared Meaning involves rituals of connection, sharing goals, supporting each other’s life roles, and agreeing on basic symbols such as what a home or marriage means.
The two walls of the SRH are Trust and Commitment. Trust is that state where you know that your partner acts and thinks to maximize your interests and benefits, not just their own. It is the sense that “my partner has my back and is there for me.” Commitment means believing, and acting on the belief, that your relationship is a life-long journey.
Again, you won’t just talk about these levels of the SRH; you will learn specific ways to work on them and strengthen them.
So what do we do next?
It’s important to realize that the very nature of these intensives often means that you move more quickly into the difficult areas needing to be address. This can result in experiencing uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anxiety, guilt, loneliness, hopelessness and helplessness. The process may even include recalling unpleasant aspects of your past- either together or individually. It’s important that you each understand these risks and agree with taking them beforehand.
If you would like to know more about my Marriage Counseling Services, click here.