When you see the word “habit, you probably think of a usual way of behaving or a tendency that you have settled into, as in "good eating habits."

Imagine that it is time for you to leave work and go home. Because you do this so often, you might not even be aware of what thoughts and feelings you have as you get in the car and drive home. This is an invitation to do something more intentional on the way home. Ask yourself: So what am I going home to?

In a previous blog, I described what Terry Real, in his book The New Rules of Marriage, calls the Core Negative Image (CNI) you have of your partner. This CNI consists of all the negative attitudes and actions that you assign to your partner.

A good relationship is not something you have. A good relationship is not something you are in. A good relationship is something you do. It is something you practice.

In two previous blogs, I shared some of the reasons that conflicts between you and your partner can become interactions that cause harm to each of you and the relationship. Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson described these reasons in their book, Reconcilable Differences.

Andrew Christensen and Neil S Jacobson identify four common argument triggers: criticism, unfair demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection. Also, there are factors that can cause these conflicts to escalate to the point where either of you can act in ways that cause a lot of hurt. In a previous blog, I identified two of these factors: the search for an explanation and the battle of accusations.

In a previous blog, I shared four common triggers to couples’ arguments; these were identified by Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson in their book, Reconcilable Differences. The four triggers were criticism, unfair demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection.

One of the main reasons that people seek couples counseling is conflict. In truth, conflict is a normal part of any close relationship like marriage.

When it comes to the pandemic, there are places where we can all agree. We can agree that the coronavirus has taken a devastating toll in the United States. Over 425,000 American are dead because of the virus. The virus continues to spread at a rapid pace, even as the vaccinations begin.

When I ask couples what they want to work on in counseling, it is not unusual to hear them say, “We want to be more intimate” or “We want to develop more intimacy.” It is a worthy goal for a relationship, but often, as a way to get their attention, I will say, “Well, I can’t help you with that.”