Conflict between you and your partner doesn’t just happen; there are triggers that get the argument started. In their book Reconcilable Differences, Andrew Christensen and Neil S Jacobson identify four common argument triggers: criticism, unfair demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection. Also, there are factors that can cause these conflicts to escalate to the point where either of you can act in ways that cause a lot of hurt. In a previous blog, I identified two of these factors: the search for an explanation and the battle of accusations.
It’s Your Fault
There are other factors that contribute to the escalation of arguments. In an attempt to find an explanation for the conflict, you can focus your attention on your partners role in what is happening. You begin to conduct a “kind of legal inquiry” (Christensen and Jacobson, 21) in your head. You look for, and usually find, evidence of your partner’s action that cause this problem. You continue to make your case by determining that these actions come from a flaw or negative trait in your partner…or the absence of a positive trait they should have. But you aren’t quite done building your case. This recent act of selfishness or uncaring brings to mind similar acts from the past. With all this evidence, the only reasonable verdict is guilty.
There is one final step in this legal process. Your partner needs to acknowledge their guilt. You may need them to admit that your conclusions and verdict are correct. You may need them to apologize and make some changes so this doesn’t happen again.
Now consider that this legal process that you are doing in your mind…your partner is doing the same thing to you. So you can see how easy it would be for the argument to escalate.
Several years ago, I was working with a couple who were caught up in the need to assign blame and fault. It was so powerful that I said to both of them: “Ok, this feels really important to both of you so let’s figure it out.” The session was almost over, but after some negotiation, we reached a point where I was able to say, “Ok, if I’ve got this right, you are 60 percent to blame and you are 40 percent to blame for these issues. Is that correct?” They looked at each other and then at me and agreed. I told them I had just one more question, “Now what?”
They looked at me with a puzzled look on their faces, and we went on to talk about how both people contribute in some way to every conflict, so assigning blame really doesn’t get you anywhere. It keeps you focused on the fault of the other, and it takes your attention away from what you may be doing to escalate the argument.
You Are Sick
Instead of going through a legal analysis of your partner’s contribution to the problem, you may look at their psychological makeup. Instead of “holding a court hearing, we conduct a psychiatric examination. Rather than demanding indictment and conviction, we seek an accurate diagnosis” ((Christensen and Jacobson, 22). So when your partner doesn’t show you affection in the way you want, you decide that they have a fear of intimacy. If your partner is harsh and critical, you decide that they have trouble accepting themselves and so, they can’t accept others.
We may even use specific diagnostic words like narcissist or depressed or paranoid. Of course, you want to help them find the source of their problem, so you search their past for behaviors that confirm your conclusion. Again, imagine what it is like when both of you are doing this to each other; imagine what it is like when both of you are resisting the efforts of the other to do this diagnosis. It is easy for the argument to escalate.
You Are Not Good Enough
If you don’t have the energy or desire to go through these legal or psychological evaluations, you can conclude that your partner just doesn’t have what it takes to be a good spouse. You can come to this conclusion by comparing your partner to others. Your partner does not express affection in the same way or to the same degree that you see in other couples, so you conclude that they just don’t know how to express love. Your partner gets upset when you want to go out with friends, but you know other couples where this is no problem, so your partner must be insecure. When you come to conclusions like this, you may try to help them with these problems, or you may wonder if this person is really the right one for you. Again, when both of you are doing this to each other and resisting the efforts of the other, the argument can escalate.
All of these actions are based on looking for the source of the conflict in your partner, but as the couple I mentioned above illustrates, in any argument, there are ways that both of you play a role in the beginning and the escalation of the conflict.
One of the things that I do in marriage counseling is help each of you identify these factors and change your interactions so you can move to resolution and keep these conflicts from harming your relationship. You can get more information at my marriage counseling specialty page.