In a previous blog, I shared four common triggers to couples’ arguments.
These were identified by Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson in their book, Reconcilable Differences. The four triggers were criticism, unfair demands, cumulative annoyance, and rejection. Christiansen and Jacobson identify several other factors that contribute to the escalation of these arguments. These factors are found in an ongoing pattern of relating that can heighten sensitivity to these triggers and cause the conflict to become more entrenched and more hurtful. In this blog, I want to identify a couple of these factors. If you and your partner are in conflict, I invite you to stop and consider how these dynamics may be contributing to what is happening between you.
The Search for an Explanation
In the midst of the conflict, it is not unusual to find couples wondering, “Why is this happening to us? Why does it continue to happen to us?” When there is a significant event in your lives, it is natural to seek an explanation. You believe that if you can find the cause of the conflict, you will be able to change your interactions and prevent future hurt.
Unfortunately, when it comes to couples’ conflict, you only have two suspects: you and your partner. Christensen and Jacobson say that our explanations “tend to differ depending on whether we are looking at ourselves or at others. When we explain our own actions in a conflict, we tend to look outside ourselves. The pressure of a deadline or the nasty comments of others made us do what we did…But when we explain the actions of others, we generally look to factors within them, such as personality traits.”
Hopefully, you can see the dynamic this sets up between you and your partner. Something external is the reason you are upset, but it is something about the partner that contributes to their role in the conflict. And when you have both people doing that to each other, the search for an explanation creates more conflict. When you ask yourself why an argument has happened, and the answer is you were provoked but your partner caused the conflict because of who they are, the argument escalates easily.
There are a couple of ways to respond to this factor. One thing you can do is simply give up the search for an explanation. In any conflict, both of you play a role in what is happening. Both of you have been triggered. It would be more helpful to step back and see what might be happening inside of you that contributed to your reaction, and then to find a way to respond that is more in line with how you want to be as loving, caring partner.
The Battle of Accusations
Once you have settled on what seems to be a reasonable explanation for the argument, you think it makes sense to share your conclusions. Of course, often what you share is your assessment of your partner’s misbehavior. And if both are you are still in a reactive mode, most likely your explanations become accusations because you share them from a place of anger or resentment. So the battle of explanations becomes the battle of accusations. It is easy for these accusations to escalate to the point where each of you accuse the other of not caring about you or the relationship. It is clear that neither of you are enjoying or finding meaning in these exchanges, but it is hard to stop them.
How can you disrupt this pattern? When the accusation of your partner causes emotional pain, perhaps the place to look is inside. What is causing that emotional pain? Where is it coming from inside yourself, even if your partner is in an accusing mode? Can you step back, observe that pain, and again, find a way to respond that is more in line with how you want to be as loving, caring partner. Christenson and Jacobson talk about this as looking at the wound, not the arrow.
In future blogs, we will look at more of these factors that escalate your arguments beyond the initial triggers. My marriage counseling specialty page will give you more information about how the counseling process can help you with conflicts and other concerns in your relationship.