When you see the word “habit, you probably think of a usual way of behaving or a tendency that you have settled into, as in "good eating habits." In its oldest sense, however, habit meant "clothing" (the modern French word for clothes is “habits”) and had nothing to do with the things a person does in a regular and repeated way. Today, this meaning is preserved in phrases like "nun's habit," "monk's habit," and "riding habit" (clothes worn for horseback riding).
Habits can be a good thing. Habits can give you a rhythm and routine to life.
Think of something good for you like exercising. When exercising becomes a habit, you don’t wrestle every day with the whether you want to go to the gym; you do it almost without thinking because it has become a part of your schedule.
But the rhythm and routine that habits give can also become a rut. To go back to the original meaning of the word, they can become the clothes you wear, the person you are. You can feel stuck and lose excitement and energy for your life. This rut can also happen in relationships. Consider these three habits that can move your relationship from being in a rhythm to being in a rut.
Living Life Through Your Phone
Taking pictures or filming a video of you and your partner doing something is standard operating procedure for many couples. And, of course, the next thing to do is post the picture or video on a social media website with a cute caption. Then, from time to time, you will check to see how many “likes” and how many people have commented, and what they have said. And, of course, you will want to respond to their comments.
There is certainly nothing wrong with capturing an enjoyable and meaningful moment with your partner. It can be something that you and your partner look at days, weeks, or months later. You can reexperience the event by talking about it as you look at the picture. But too much time on the phone when you are together can rob some of the joy and meaning of the moment. If you want to take a picture, do so early on; you can always post it later. Then, give your attention back to your partner and the moments you are sharing NOW.
Sticking To The Routine
One person has said that “life is one damn thing after another.” But it doesn’t have to be the same damn think after another. Your daily life falls into a routine. You know what will happen every day when you come home from work. You know how the evening will unfold. You have a sense of what you will do on the weekends. In fact, as I describe this, you may be picturing it in your mind.
Can you also imagine shaking up that routine with something different? Get up early and cook breakfast together on a workday. Turn off the TV and read an article or a book together and discuss it. Go to a restaurant that neither of you have been to and that neither of you would even consider trying. Or do an activity that neither of you have done before, or haven’t done in a long time.
Not Being Fully Present
There are ways that you can be in the same space with your partner, but you are not fully present. You are wondering if you responded to the boss’ email or what you need to get done on your day off. You are worried about your sick parent or if you paid a bill. You might sense your partner getting irritated because they have asked a question, and you haven’t responded. Or maybe your partner has no clue at all, but still, you are not fully present.
It’s not like you can’t have these thoughts; they are going to come to you. But you can acknowledge the thought, without fighting it or getting caught up in it. Then, you can commit to doing one thing: being present with your partner.
You may notice that many of these habits happen in the context of everyday living. That is the place where most of your relationship happens, and it is the place where you can build connections…if you can stay away from these habits.
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