In a previous blog, I described what Terry Real, in his book The New Rules of Marriage, calls the Core Negative Image (CNI) you have of your partner. This CNI consists of all the negative attitudes and actions that you assign to your partner. You can hear these CNI descriptions in “always” or “never” statements. “He is always selfish and inconsiderate.” “She is never there for me when I need her.”
You can have a CNI for your partner; your partner can have a CNI for you.
When both of you get defensive in the middle of a conflict, in many ways, you stop reacting to the person in front of you. Instead, you are reacting to this CNI that you are carrying around inside. This is who your partner becomes to you in difficult, unloving, and irrational moments.
Real says that left to themselves, “partners’ CNIs will at best create logjams, and at worst, fester and poison the relationship. But for many couples, learning how to work with each other’s CNIs has proven to be the single most transformative aspect of relationship empowerment work.” He offers five strategies couples can use to move beyond these CNIs.
Strategy 1: Make Each Other’s CNIs Explicit
The reason the CNIs you have of your partner are harmful to the relationship is because you aren’t even aware they are there. So the first thing you have to do is make these CNIs explicit. In a moment where you are not in conflict, sit down and write out, in some detail, how you view your partner when they are at their all-time worse. You might recall a recent conflict. Recall how you were thinking about your partner. Think about the things you said to them. This will help you clarify the CNI that controls the way you respond to your partner.
It is also helpful to take some time to consider what makes up the CNI your partner has of you. Of course, to do this you have to put yourself in your partner’s place and hear the words you speak and see the actions you take. This is an imaginative exercise, since you don’t know for sure how your partner sees you. But when you take time to share these CNIs with one another, most likely, you will sense how these images resonate.
Strategy 2: Acknowledge the Truth in Each Other’s CNIs
As you hear how your partner experiences your CNIs, resist the temptation to dismiss it as wrong or invalid. Instead of “denying the truth of your partner’s CNI of you, I want you to try a radically new approach. Imagine that your partner’s CNI of you is not, as you’ve been thinking it was, completely fabricated and nutty. Instead, consider it as an exaggerated version of you at your very worst.”
Remember your partner’s CNI is not a description of your character or personality; it is a description of how they experience you when you are not acting in a way that expresses who you want to be as loving, caring partner. So consider that some of what your partner shares is true. There is something transformative when you can say to your partner, “Yes, I have behaved badly, and I want you to know that you have helped me be aware of how I behaved badly.”
Strategy 3: Identify CNI-Busting Behavior
Now that both of you have been to identify and embrace these CNIs in a non-defensive way, see if you can learn more about them. Real suggests that on one side of a piece of paper, you write down all the behaviors your partner has or could engage in that prove the CNI you have of them is true. On the other side of the paper, write down all the behaviors your partner has or could engage in that show the CNI you have of them is not accurate. Again, share these with one another.
Strategy 4: Use CNIs as a Compass
Now that both of you are aware of the specific behaviors that make up these CNIs, you are ready to use them in your interactions with one another. Let’s say you are starting to argue. As the argument unfolds, you can be mindful of any behavior you are starting to display that makes up your CNI. This is the chance for you to change the interaction.
Strategy 5: Set Up Dead-Stop Contracts
The best way to change the interaction is to make an agreement with each other than when you recognize a CNI behavior in yourself or your partner, you will share what you have noticed with the other, stop the interaction, and try to respond in a way that is more aligned with how you want to be as loving, caring partner.
These strategies can change the dynamics between you in moments of conflict. Instead focusing on winning or getting to the end of an argument, you can look for behaviors and attitudes that are contributing to the argument…and change them.
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