When it comes to the pandemic, there are places where we can all agree.
We can agree that the coronavirus has taken a devastating toll in the United States. Over 425,000 American are dead because of the virus. The virus continues to spread at a rapid pace, even as the vaccinations begin. But we are also familiar with the conflicts and divisions that have been part of our response to COVID. Political divisions regarding the virus have dominated the headlines; Democrats and Republicans disagree over the steps necessary to stop the spread of the virus.
However, there is also evidence that there is a gender divide on responding to the virus. Several studies indicate that more men than women tend to downplay the fear and the threat of the virus. This leads to more risky behavior; for example, a New York University study in October found women wore masks about 15% more often than men. Men are dying at a much higher rate from COVID than women.
There have been lots of speculations about the origin of these differences. For example, overall men tend to be in poorer health than women. Socially, many men are still the primary family provider, so they may feel the pressure to work; the risk of the virus is acceptable for a man who wants to provide for his family. To be fair, there are also many women who downplay the virus and do not take the recommended precautions to prevent its spread.
The pandemic’s gender divide has consequences for public health.
It also has consequences for relationships as well. The COVID crisis has been going on for over a year, and people are experiencing a great deal of situational and chronic anxiety and stress. It makes sense that this anxiety and stress would impact marriage relationships between men and women. In a recent study, Jessica Calarco, a professor of sociology at Indiana University, surveyed Indiana mothers and found nearly 40 % reported increases in pandemic-related frustrations with their partners (Reported in The Oklahoman, January 30, 2021).
These conflicts can have a variety of sources. For example, if a spouse has an underlying condition that makes the virus more threatening, the conflict can have a life-or-death feel to it. Spouses with partners who take fewer safety precautions are concerned about children being infected.
Whatever their origins, these conflicts can have a powerful impact on the relationship. One spouse can accuse the other of overreacting; one spouse can accuse the other of not caring for them or the family. Instead of having a defensive reaction that they deal with from time to time, in these challenging times, couples can become entrenched in a defensive reactive pattern that seems to define the marriage and the way each person experiences the other.
When couples come to me for marriage counseling, one of the questions I will often ask them to reflect on is: How do you want to be as a loving, caring partner…apart from what the other person wants? It is the second part of the question that is most important. It keeps them from coming up with a list of qualities they learned growing up in their family of origin. It keeps them from thinking about all the things they don’t like about the relationship…and listing the opposite. It is a question that invites them to consider, to really think about who they want to be as a loving, caring partner.
The word that I used to talk about this with couple is values.
Values are more than just inspirational ideas. They are statements about what you want to be doing with your life and what you want to stand for. They are the leading principles that shape how you behave on an ongoing basis. One of the life domains in which it is important to give expression to your values is your marriage.
Here are some more questions that you can explore to identify your relationship values. What kind of partner do you want to be remembered as? What is important for you in relationships? What kind of partner do you want to be when you become defensive? When you feel angry? Why you feel doubt or ambivalence about your relationship?
I encourage you to make decisions about how you are going to be with your partner in this COVID crisis from a place of values. Not from a place of political belief or infringement on personal freedom. You can consider those, but when it comes to your relationship, you and your partner can deal with the stress and anxiety of these times by shaping your interactions from a place of values.
A discussion of values is one of the many conversations I have with people in marriage counseling. If you would like to learn more about how I would work with you, please visit my marriage counseling specialty page.