Depression is not sitting alone in a dark room feeling hopeless and sad.
People who struggle with depression go to work, watch movies or plays, and interact with people in their lives. The struggle with depression means you may do a lot of these activities without a sense of joy or meaning. As you live on autopilot mode, you may get through the day, but it feels like you are just going through the motions. The days have a sameness to them that becomes monotony. And if depression has been in your life for an extended period, it may feel like this is your life; this is who you are.
So when you struggle with depression, there is a lot going on around you. The problem is living on autopilot leaves you feeling disconnected, even unaware of all that is happening. It is also true that when you struggle with depression, there is a lot going on inside of you. These are the thoughts and feelings that contribute to your depression. Thoughts that are distressing because they say critical and negative things about you. Thoughts that weave themselves into stories about who you are and how you have always been and how you will always be. When you live out these stories, you can be left with feelings of sadness, emptiness, and despair.
There are lots of responses you can make to these thoughts and feelings. You may try to figure them out. If I can learn where these thoughts come from—a character flaw or the way I was raised—then I can set them aside and the depression will lift. But insight does not necessarily lead to change. When that doesn’t work, you attempt to avoid them or push them away. But because they live inside of you, avoiding these painful thoughts and feelings can make them feel more present.
In my work with people who struggle with depression, I offer two other responses to these thoughts and feelings.
These responses may seem counterintuitive, but you already know that efforts to figure out and avoid them have not worked. These responses are Mindful Awareness and Acceptance.
Mindful Awareness is the ability to enter into the present moment and simple observe what is going on outside of you and inside of you. This observing happens from a place of nonjudgment. You don’t struggle with the thoughts and feelings, no matter how mundane or how powerful they seem to be. You don’t evaluate the thoughts and feelings as right or wrong, good or bad. They simply are.
Mindful Awareness can lead to Acceptance.
With acceptance, you are able to enter into the difficult thoughts and feelings of depression, instead of avoiding them or figuring out what to do with them. Acceptance involves a willingness to face the depression that you fear. You may be wondering how these two practices can help with your depression. If you practice mindfulness and acceptance in a consistent way, you see the negative thoughts and feelings for what they are…thoughts and feelings that are just there. They don’t define who you are. With this stance, you now have enough psychological flexibility to choose a different relationship with the depression. Even if the thoughts and feelings are there, you can still choose actions that are more in line with how you want your life to be.
My depression specialty page describes this approach to depression counseling in more detail. I invite you to read it as a first step towards a more meaningful and productive life.