Many people who come to my office have struggled with trauma, and the anxiety and depression that go with them, for a while, often for many years. They have tried all kind of things to make the thoughts and feelings of the trauma go away. They have tried to avoid them. They try to push them away. They try to figure them out. If I can just understand where they come from, then I can devise some strategies to get rid of them or at least keep them at bay. Sometimes they will get so caught up in them that they feel overwhelmed. They have restricted their living, avoiding any situation that has the slightest potential to trigger a traumatic memory. When none of these work, they wonder what is wrong with them. They must be deeply flawed if they can get past this trauma. Another way to deal with it is through substance abuse.
When they show up in my office, they are hoping that with my expertise, I will have a plan that will finally work. But the picture they have of that plan is a combination of the approaches I just mentioned. The difference is I will help them do them more effectively, so the thoughts and feelings will be gone. So they are surprised when I suggest that maybe the best way to deal with the thoughts and feelings of trauma is to accept them. Which raises the question: Why would you encourage them to do that? How can being mindful and accepting of the thoughts and feelings of trauma be helpful?
You may need to correct your understanding of acceptance.
Acceptance is not saying that you like or even want the thoughts and feelings to be there. Acceptance is not resignation. It is not saying that there is nothing you can do about the trauma; you can’t make it go away so you might as well just let be there and deal with it the best you can. Mindful acceptance in response to trauma is letting it be there. Being in its presence in a nonjudgmental and even welcoming way.
So how can the stance of mindful acceptance help?
First of all, you are being honest about what is happening in your life.
The thoughts and the feelings are there. They are disturbing and painful. That is what is happening right now. To deal with something, you have to be honest about it. Mindful acceptance is that kind of honesty. It says clearly: This is what I am thinking. This is what I am feeling. This is what is happening. You are not caught up in the past. You are not wishing for a better future. You are aware and accepting of what’s happening in the moment.
There is a second way this mindful acceptance can help.
This type of honesty keeps you from framing what is happening to you as a problem. It is just a thought, a feeling, a bodily sensation. With mindful acceptance, you do not label the presence of these as a problem. When you frame them as problems, the only thing your thinking mind knows to do is to solve them. And when it can’t solve them, it will turn on you and judge you for your weakness and inability to deal with them. So mindful acceptance doesn’t label what is happenings as good or bad, right or wrong. It is just there. And you are letting it be there.
This honest, nonjudgmental stance leads to a third way that mindful acceptance can be helpful with your trauma.
If you are able to be mindful and accepting of what is happening in a nonjudgmental and welcoming way, you create some distance between you and the experience. With this emotional space, you have some flexibility in how you respond to your thoughts and feelings. You can now access behavior that is more in line with how you want your life to be. It is not a matter of dealing with the trauma and then I can go on with my life. Even with the presence of distressing thoughts and feelings, you can still choose actions that give expression to your deepest values.
I understand if you feel some resistance to this practice of mindful acceptance. But stay with that resistance. Be mindful and accepting of it. Where is it coming from? Most likely, from a picture inside of you that describes the thoughts and feelings of trauma as a serious problem that you must resolve. But when you just let them be there, the resistance subsides, and you feel that space to choose differently.
Mindful acceptance is just one part of they way I work with trauma. My trauma treatment specialty page will give you more information about how to develop a different relationship with your trauma.