There are many different sources for the stress we feel in our lives, but the one thing they all have in common is people.
Phone stress does not come from the actual phone itself; it comes from the people we communicate with on the phone. Work stress does not come from the building where we work; it comes from the people who work in the building with us. Time stress is more than just the movement of the hands on a clock; it is the movement of people through our lives. The differences in worldviews that create division in our society—those differences reside in people.
One of the most famous quotes by philosopher/playwright Jean-Paul Sartre comes near the end of his play, No Exit: “Hell is other people.” It is a quote that is often misunderstood. No Exit is about the arrival of three character in hell, which looks like a drawing room. As they struggle to understand what sin has brought them here and what their punishment will be, they come to see that there is no torturer or flames. It is just the three of them, and they discover that the punishment is the other people in the room.
“Hell is other people.” It is not just an illustration of Sartre’s cynicism; it illustrates the difficulty of coexisting with other people. So often, our interactions with others can lock us into a particular way of being in the world that is not an expression of who we want to be. Or as another great philosopher, Linus Van Pelt from Charles Schulz’s Peanuts, stated it: “I love mankind (sic); it’s people I can’t stand.”
Right now, you can probably think of people, or groups of people who cause you stress.
Some of these are people you don’t know that well; others are people who are close and dear to you. In previous discussions of stress, I described how stress comes from the way we respond to stressors in our lives. When it comes to people stress, often it is not entirely accurate to say, “You are stressing me out.” Instead, someone is doing something that you don’t like or appreciate (stressor), and it is your response to that something which creates the stress. It will be important for you to take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and actions that contribute to the stress between you and another.
It is important to be aware of this people stress and respond to it in a helpful way because relationships are not just a source of problems or struggle; they are a source of meaning and growth. You don’t look at the people in your life and say, “I like having you around because you don’t cause me any stress.” Instead, you want to say, “I like having you around because your differentness enriches and challenges my living.”
We are more than just a self. We are a self-in-relation. The way we grow and learn and change and become who we are is through our interactions with the people in our lives. In his book, Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn, says that the “word communication suggests a flow of energy through a common bond. As with communion, it implies a union, a joining or sharing. So to communicate is to unite, to have a meeting or union of minds” (480). Of course, this “does not necessarily mean agreement. It does mean seeing the situation as a whole and understanding the other person’s view as well as one’s own, to whatever degree we can manage such openness of heart and presence” (480).
Kabat-Zinn is talking about the practice of mindfulness in our interactions with others.
Mindfulness is a particular way of being with others. It involves being fully present to and accepting of what is happening in the moment without judgment or evaluation. This is not a stance that we often take in our relationships. Think about the conversations you have had with others over the last few days. In most of them, as you listen to what the other person is saying, you begin to form an opinion about what they are saying and how you will respond. For many interactions, this listening to respond stance is okay, but in order to have communication that has “a flow of energy through a common bond,” it will be important to listen mindfully.
Kabat-Zinn suggest that one “good way to increase mindfulness of communication is to keep a log of stress communications for a week” (490). Be aware of one stressful communication a day at the time it is happening. Be aware of the person with whom you are having difficulty, how it happened, what you really wanted in the situation, what the person wanted from you. Be aware of what actually happened between you, how you were feeling and what you were thinking. This practice can make you aware that much of your stress comes from how you are being in the communication. You may become aware of how difficult it is to share your feelings, or how the differentness of the other person creates a reaction that keeps you from connecting with them.
Learning how to develop mindfulness in relationships is one of the skills you will learn in the practices of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). You can visit my Stress Reduction Specialty Page to learn more about this program.