In a recent post I shared some thoughts about how we can develop a different relationship with the challenges of the world in which we live. These words continue those reflections.
There is a sentiment we have heard over the last few years.
It has become an axiom and a basic truth. We are so divided. We are so polarized. We nod our heads in agreement or shake our heads in despair. Is there any way we can come together and experience healing? Perhaps we try to picture what that coming together and healing might look like. You think about yourself and all of the people who see the world like you. You think about all of the people on the “other side” who see the world differently from you. Soon enough, the story of division and polarization takes over again, and the ideas of coming together and healing become an idealistic dream; you doubt it will ever be realized. And so, you go on with your life and do the best you can.
But the questions are still there within you. The activities of life may distract, but eventually something happens that brings them to mind again. It could an election or a post on social media that makes you angry. It could be a statement or political decision that you think is wrong. And all of these are something that the “other side” does. It is their actions which raise the questions again, and we decide that, no, there really isn’t a chance for coming together and healing.
Is there any way to break this cycle?
Perhaps we could begin by letting the statements and the question live inside of us. We could say them slowly, not trying to answer them but seeing what happens inside of us as we let them be there inside of us. Can we come together? Can we experience healing? As we let them hang them between your group and that other group, whoever they are. Don’t try to avoid the thoughts. Don’t get caught up in the thoughts. Let them be there. Don’t try to avoid the feelings. Don’t get caught up in the feelings. Let them be there.
One of the important tenets of my approach to therapy is teaching people acceptance. Many people will resist practicing acceptance because it sounds like resignation or capitulation. In fact, acceptance is receiving what is right in front of you, just as it is. In therapy, that could be a disturbing thought or memory. It could be a distressing feeling. In this divided and polarized world, it could be a person whose beliefs and perspectives are not simply different; they are offensive. What would acceptance look like in that situation?
Before we try to answer that question, let’s make this a little more personal or more concrete.
Right now, picture in your mind, someone who is on the other side of the polarization. Don’t picture a group or a cause; picture a real live person. It might be a political figure you’ve never met; it might be someone you know, even someone in your family.
Go ahead. Form a mental picture of them with as much detail as you can. What are they wearing? What is their posture? What is the look on their face? Imagine them standing or sitting in front of you. Here they are.
Now turn your attention to what is happening inside of you. Are you forming thoughts and opinions about this person? Are you having some emotional reactions to this person? Just like you are willing to let this person be before you, are you willing to let your thoughts and feelings be before you as well, without fighting them or following them.
Now, as best you can, see if you can get behind the eyes of this person. Take a moment to do this a deeply as you can. It is you, from this person’s perspective, looking at you. What do they see? What is your posture? What is the look on your face? What is happening inside of them? What thoughts and opinions are they forming? What emotional reactions are they having?
A couple of observations.
As you go through this exercise, notice there are a variety of thoughts and feelings inside of both of you. And yet, no one has said a word. We are not reacting to their words; we are not even reacting to the person. We are reacting to the picture we are forming about the other. Would you be willing to accept that picture, simply letting it be there without judgment?
This exercise is an invitation to practice acceptance. And it very easy for you, at some point, to say: Okay, I’ll practice this acceptance. I’ll be different. But it really won’t do any good, because the other person is not going to be different. And that becomes a reason for not doing it.
It reminds me of those to whom I teach mindfulness and acceptance practices for problems like anxiety and depression. They will come back the next week and say it did not work because the anxiety and depression are still there. Mindfulness and acceptance do not change the anxiety or depression. Instead they give you a different relationship with them, so you can respond from a place of values. Mindfulness and acceptance do not change the other person or the tone of the political climate overall. But it does give you some emotional flexibility so you can respond from a place of what you value.
Hopefully, this practice can loosen up the grip this story of division and polarization has on you. Hopefully in some small, but significant way, it can give you an experience of coming together and being present with one another.
There are more things that we can do to address these divisions, and I will share them in the future. If you would like to more about my practice, I invite you to visit my anxiety specialty page and the other specialty pages on my website.