Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and suddenly realized that you have heard little of what they were saying? Have you been talking among a group of friends and suddenly realized that your mind has wandered? Perhaps you have had someone complain that you aren’t listening. It is not unusual to respond to that complaint with something like, “I’m sorry; my mind was somewhere else.”
So where, exactly, is that somewhere else, and how do you get back to here?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps answer these questions by describing two parts of yourself: the thinking self and the observing self. You are probably very familiar with the thinking self. It is that part of you that generates thoughts. It plans. It evaluates and judges your plans. It visualizes what might happen in any situation. It remembers information from the past that will help you with a current situation. It is also the place where you imagine and fantasize. This thinking self is what you usually call your “mind,” as in my mind was somewhere else.
The observing self is very different from the thinking self. The observing self doesn’t really produce thoughts; it observes and pays attention to the thoughts your mind creates. The observing self is about focus and awareness. It is about paying attention. While the thinking self uses all its skills to think about an experience, the observing self is aware of an experience in a deep and open way.
An example.
I enjoy playing golf, and if you have attempted to play golf (or really any sport), you have been warned about the danger of “swing thoughts.” You are standing over the ball getting ready to hit and all of these thoughts come to you. Make sure your feet are in the right place. Is the ball in the right position? Remember to shift your weight on your backswing. Be sure and start your backswing with your lower body not your arms. Don’t make the same mistake you made on your last swing.
All of these swing thoughts are examples of the work of the thinking self. And the reason golf instructors warn you about them is because there is no way to listen to all of these thoughts and hit a shot well. It is better to give attention to the observing self. You get the feel of your body’s movement as you take a few practice swings. You feel yourself into position. You let your body go and you make the swing.
The thinking self is not a bad thing.
Hear again all of the amazing things it does for you: evaluate, judge, visualize, remember, plan, imagine, fantasize. The thinking self gives humankind the ability to solve some of the most difficult and complex problems. Most likely, we are at the top of the food chain because of our thinking self. But what works with problems from the outside world does not work as well with problems from the inside world.
Let’s say feelings of anxiety and worry show up. The thinking self says, “Anxiety…worry. There’s the problem. Let’s go to work.” It will try to figure out the exact source of the anxiety: time, place, circumstances. It will give you ways to control the anxiety, deal with it, get rid of it. It will remind you of time in the past when you felt the stress; it tells you that if you don’t get control of these feelings, they will show up again in the future. And before you know it, you have more anxiety and stress than you did before.
This is where the observing self can step in and be helpful.
It doesn’t label the anxiety and stress as a problem, as good or bad. It just notices the feelings of stress in your body and is aware of all the thoughts that your thinking mind is giving you about how to get rid of the anxiety. It doesn’t buy into thoughts about what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future. And if you can stay in your observing mind long enough, you access a response (not a reaction) that is more in line with what gives you meaning, with what you value as a person.
Most likely, you are very familiar with the work of the thinking self and the insight it can give. But the observing mind has a wisdom to offer that can enrich your life…whether it is staying engaged in the conversation, hitting a good golf shot, or developing a different relationship with your anxiety and worry.
You can learn more about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by going to my anxiety treatment page.